What Really Happened in Eldest?
by deepblue1028
Summary: SEQUEL TO WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN ERAGON! The story of Eldest- but funnier! Game show hosts, klutzy queens, and evil trees are only some of the things found in Alegaesia. Pu them all together, and you'll get one crazy reproduction of Eldest!
1. Eragon, the Idiot

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 1: Eragon, the Idiot**

* * *

_**Dedicated to my brother David, whose ideas shaped this story. Thanks, Dave.**_

* * *

Eragon stared at the flames burning in the distance. He groaned. How had he gotten here? He couldn't remember much, but gradually it all came back to him.

He found a dragon egg, named it Saphira, and set off on an adventure for some very important reason that Eragon never really found out with an old dude and fishy boy. The old dude died, they found an old yet pretty lady, met some creepy side characters, and engaged in a Yo mamma fight with a Shade. Fishy boy was arrested but then set free, and the old pretty lady wasn't sick anymore. Now people called Eragon a Shadeslayer, but he didn't really know why. The Shade just laid down and died at his feet.

Eragon became dimly aware that the flames were getting much closer. He was back in Tronjhiem, he realized. Ah, yes, now he remembered. He ran away from Tronjhiem because Saphira broke the big shiny thing. They were overpowered by lawn gnomes and he was illegally smuggled back to Tronjhiem.

Eragon realized that he was being carried by some dwarves. He was tied up and gagged. The dwarves were shouting something.

"BURN HIM! BURN HIM! BURN HIM! BURN HIM!"

Oh yeah. They were angry at him.

The chant was interrupted, however, when Saphira flew down from above, roaring and spitting flames. Eragon began to squirm with joy, saying things that sounded like, "Afira! o, god, fank oo! Fank oo!

_Get off of him, you lousy gnomes! I will mend your stupid jewel if I must! Sheesh…_

The dwarves looked happy despite the fact that they had been called gnomes. They dropped and untied Eragon, then dispersed. Saphira would heal Isidar Mithrim when she was strong enough. They got to work assembling the pieces.

"Thanks Saphira." Eragon said, standing up. "But why'd you do it?"

_Only because our lives are intertwined, fat one. You have a boat ride to Ellesmera to catch now, so hurry. I will fly alongside soon._

"Great Gadspeed, Batman, You're right! Quick, to the Batmobile!" Eragon yelled in a decent imitation of Robin. He jumped up and ran off in a superhero like way, Saphira standing there staring.

Eragon was boarding the ship when a messenger told him that some Urgals had surprised Ajihad, Murtagh, and The twins. Ajihad was dead, and the rest were missing. Nasuada was now the leader of the Varden.

"And I care… why?" Eragon told the messenger. The messenger looked at him funny and jogged away.

* * *

Eragon, Arya, Orik, and a few more elves and dwarves boarded their little rafts and left for Ellesmera in Du Weldenvarden on some river that stretched across most of Alegaesia. The author was really bored, so she cut out all that good stuff about the dwarf cities and whatnot. You want it back? Well, tough nubs! So here they are on the river. Ok? Ok. Moving on now.

* * *

Eragon was really bored. These people were such deadbeats. All Arya, in all her prettiness, and her little elf friends did was paint their toenails and talk on the phone in squealy voices with other elves. All the dwarves did was ask Eragon how many toes he had. It was incredibly annoying, so he put a sign on his back that said, **I have ****12no 9****5no**** 6023no 2no bob no 10no**** 5 toes on my feet! **It worked, but from then on, Eragon got the feeling people were avoiding him.

One day Eragon was sitting by the edge of the raft, watching Saphira fly in circles, chasing her tail. The raft hit a large wave and Eragon was thrown overboard. Luckily, the water was fairly shallow and Eragon could just stand. The ship captain anchored 15 feet from Eragon. Quickly, everyone was watching with fear, pity, or hilarity.

"Oh no…" Orik said. "This is bad…"

"Why?" asked Arya.

"Yesterday there was a big spill in the river. It was all over the news."

"Well, what did they spill?"

"A barge carrying gene enhancing chemicals tipped over. They were carrying lots of painful, irritating chemicals, but mostly it was a shipment of H2O9."

"What's H2O9?"

"An enhanced chemical that, when worn, will attract animals to you like bees to honey, them seeking… well… grown-up stuff."

"Ooo! ...That's bad…"

"Yeah."

Meanwhile, in the river, Eragon was having trouble getting to the boat. On his tippy toes, he just barely stood and the waves kept crashing over his face. It was about to get harder. There were animals all over the place. Birds were landing on him from everywhere. Fish were swimming up to him. Then, in one move, they all dove at Eragon. The birds were pecking at his face. The fish were sucking on his legs. He gasped in pain as a school of leeches attached themselves to him where it hurts the most.

Then, relief. A bit. Eragon found a small sandbar and the water only came up to his waist. He began to tear at the insane animals attacking him. He finally got them all off. Eragon looked up and screamed. Some little dumb brown dragon things started screeching from above. They dove at Eragon. Eragon tried to run away, but to no avail. The mini dragons crashed into him at breakneck speed, screeching and clawing and biting.

"Why me?" Eragon murmured to himself from under the scaly attackers.

* * *

Eragon sat on the raft wrapped in a blanket, shivering. After being rescued from the river by Saphira, everyone had retreated to the inside because Eragon had some pretty nasty mutations going on from the chemicals in the river. His skin was shriveled, painful, and bright red. There was Spanish Moss growing from his ears, and all his hair had fallen off except for a shiny white beard growing an inch an hour. Even Saphira wouldn't come close.

The walkie talkie next to Eragon buzzed. Orik's voice crackled on.

"See those mountains over here?"

"Yeah. What about 'em?"

"They're the lone Beor mountains. Their names are Marge, Fern, Penelope, and Antidisestablishmentarianism."

"Antidisestablishmentarianism?"

"They were running out of good names back then."

"So… when are we getting to Ceris?"

**Alert! Alert! Main character knows future plotline! Abort! Abort!**

Sirens started screaming, and a bunch of S.W.A.T. people with guns surrounded the area. The sky got all stormy and creepy.

Then a rock came out of nowhere and hit Eragon on the head, knocking him out.

* * *

**It's here! YAY!**


	2. Adventurous Treks and Angry Authors

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 2: Adventurous Treks and Angry Authors**

* * *

"I'm healed! FINALLY!" Yelled Eragon, doing a traditional Irish jig. It had been four months since he had fallen into the river, and that morning, after the police finally left, the last of his beard had shrunk back into his chin. He was cured.

Eragon picked up the walkie talkie next to him and said, "Guys! I'm all better now! You can come out of that dark, smelly, pottyless hole now!"

The crackling voice of Arya responded. "Are you sure, Eragon? Have you checked everywhere?"

"Yeah! I'm not sick! YIPWEE!"

"Ok, We're coming up."

Eragon turned off the walkie talkie and continued his Irish jig. Arya came up out of the raft's hold (How that is even possible, I do not know…) followed by the rest of the peoples avoiding Eragon. Everyone was slightly green, and covered in filth and grime, but otherwise ok.

Orik stumbled up and muttered to himself, "Urg… we should really install some patented Varden portable bathrooms in there… haven't bathed in weeks… not to mention some patented Varden on-the-go toilets…"

Arya glanced over at Eragon, and then did a double take. He was still dancing. "Eragon, please tell me you aren't doing a celebratory Irish jig…" she said.

"Yeah. Why?" Said Eragon still dancing.

"Oh, Eragon! You must stop quickly, or-" Arya was cut off as grayish blue smoke exploded around Eragon with a small WHOOSH.

When it cleared, Eragon was wearing authentic Irish red plaid clothes- complete with bagpipes and a man skirt (kilt).

"… or _that _happens. No you can't take it off…" finished Arya, too late. Eragon stared at himself, horrified, while several males, particularly the elves, snickered.

"Ohboy." Eragon said. "This will be hard to cover up…"

_You can count on that!_ Saphira yelled, a dragon's laugh booming in everyone's mind.

* * *

Eragon stood in his kilt at the edge of the raft, or as close to the edge of the raft as he would go, which was at the other edge of the raft. Orik was with him, staring at the fast approaching city of Ceris. The raft pulled up to a beach, and, careful not to touch the water, climbed out into the city and stood in the main square for 48 hours.

"HEY! AUTHOR! Why are we just standing here?" Yelled Eragon. "People think we're new statues! I've been climbed on, sat on, graffitied on, and pooped on! Any reason?"

"**Hey! I hate Eldest! It's the worst of the Inheritance cycle books, and I've only read it once! Give me a break while I try and remember what happens next!"**

"Can we just GO?"

"**Fine! I'm eliminating Ceris from the plot. Go and venture into Du Weldenvarden while I write about Roran."**

"Who's he?"

"**Hello? Your cousin?"**

"Not ringing a bell. Are you sure you included him in the plot?"

"**Oh yeah. Oops. Well, he's your cousin, and he's leading Carvahall to safety."**

"Does he punch me in the face?"

"**How'd you know that?"**

"I dunno, I'm special?"

"**Oh, never mind. Just go off on an adventure and stuff. OK?"**

"Whatevs."

So they all packed up their bags and walked out into the forest. Well, they would have, but everyone was so stiff that they had to waddle because their knees wouldn't bend.

Everyone was walking through the forest quietly and in peace, Saphira flying overhead. By now, their legs had agreed to bend after Arya had a diva tantrum and started arguing with her knees. They were very rude too, but after Arya threatened to go to the doctors and have him beat her knees in the reflex test, they worked properly. So that was good, even though people distanced themselves from Arya a little more afterwards.

_Hey, how come you all aren't flying on me? After all, this story has proven many times that we can break the laws of physics._

_It's because the author hates us._

"**I can hear you!"**

_I've stopped caring._

"**Well, start caring!"**

And then a coconut fell from the sky and narrowly missed Orik's head. Confused, he picked it up and looked at the sky. Then he screamed. "Look out! It's raining coconuts!" he yelled. "Take evasive action!"

Eragon started screaming like a girl and running in circles as more and more coconuts fell from the sky, hitting everyone.

"Run!" Arya yelled. She pointed vaguely forward and everyone did as she said. They ran for several hours, their group slowly decreasing in number as people were pegged in the head by coconuts and were left for dead.

Eragon screeched as a line of small yet deadly bullet coconuts imbedded themselves in the ground behind him, following him. He ran in a circle. They followed. A square. They followed. Eragon had an idea. He ran in intricate, swirling patterns across a clearing, the coconut bullets following him always.

_Saphira! Let be get on you!_

_Why?!?_

_Just do it!_

Saphira flew down from above and into the clearing the group was standing in.

_Fly high!_

Saphira obeyed and flew high above the trees, above the coconuts.

_Hey! For once, one of your ideas was a good one that did not happen by mistake because you wanted-_

"Hahahahahahahah! Pretty ponies, pretty ponies!" Eragon yelled, pointing at the clearing and smiling. Saphira looked down, and, if she had the proper facial muscles, would have rolled her eyes and frowned. Eragon had run and the coconuts had followed him, drawing a picture of two unicorns in a rainbow meadow.

_Eragon! You completely immature girl! I can't believe the only good things that come out of you are mistakes! _Saphira scolded.

_Stop calling my baby a mistake! _Eragon retorted.

………………_. You had a baby………………?_

_Yes. Her name is Regina. Is that such a problem?_

_Um, yes. I learned about it in Science… *Shivers* Ugh… Mrs. Posey did NOT need to show us those pictures…_

"**Ok, this is getting into the weird factor here. Granted Mrs. Posey was a horrible person to teach that chapter, and Eragon may have inherited a second X chromosome in addition to his XY, but this fiction is rated K+, remember? I have to be censored."**

"Fine… I won't have any more babies…" Promised Eragon.

"**Now, if I stop the coconuts, will you promise to behave?"**

"Aw… fine…"

"**All right. You can go back to your clearing."**

Eragon and Saphira flew back down to the clearing, where what was left of their group was setting up camp, as it was dark already.

Orik saw them and walked over. "Oh, good, you're back from your heart to heart talk with the author. Camp is set up, and we're ready to go to sleep."

"Whatevs, LoserOrik. I go ni-nis now." Said Eragon, stepping into Orik's tent and refusing to le anyone else in.

Orik looked questioningly at Saphira.

_He's cranky, he just had a baby._

"**Saphira!"**

_Sorry!_


	3. The Ballad of Roran

**What Really Happened In Eldest?**

**Chapter 3: The Ballad of Roran**

* * *

Roran looked over the hill at the burnt, blackened, and mutated remains of his childhood home.

He was dressed in a black leotard and pink stockings, and his hair had been cut for the occasion. As he stared at the sad and sorry scene, a compelling urge came to him in the form of the author.

**Dance, Roran, DANCE!**

Roran lifted his arms and stood on one foot, then gracefully leapt around doing various complicated ballet moves amidst the rubble. He opened his mouth and began to sing to the tune of _Kill the Beast _from the movie _The Beauty and the Beast_.

"_This once_

_Was my house_

'_twas a beau-_

_tiful house._

_I am sad to say I _

_Had to let it gooooo._

_This was_

_My cousin's fault,_

_he led_

_strangers to the house,_

_I am sad to say my _

_father is now deaaad._

_Thye came here-"_

**That's **_**quite **_**enough, Roran.**

Roran looked glum, but he packed his ballet slippers and walked back towards town anyway.

When he arrived at Horst's house, he slumped in a chair and sulked.

"Did you find anything useful?" Elaine asked him.

"No, just the lost city of Atlantis, Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis, pirate's treasure, a half eaten PB & J, and a holy grail or two." Roran answered.

Elaine slumped and sighed. "Nothing good? Oh, Roran…" After a pause, she said, " Now, Katrina is outside looking for you. She said something about a dark alleyway. Any idea what she means?"

Roran brightened up immediately.

* * *

"Katrina!" yelled Roran. He was standing in the middle of the street, waving to the pretty girl 50 feet away.

"Roran!" Katrina yelled. She dropped all of her things and spread her arms wide. The two lovesick dorks ran towards each other in slow motion, Chariots of Fire playing in the background. It would have been a happy, romantic moment, but the two were so blinded with love that they crashed into each other and fell to the ground.

"Owww…" Katrina said, rubbing her head. She saw Roran and quickly dove on him. "Oh, I missed you, my little Roary loin!" she squealed. "Even though it's only been 20 minutes!"

"I've missed you too, Katina Kittenpouncybouncy!"

**Burst into song!**

The dorks obeyed the author, singing to the tune of _A Bushel and a Peck _from _Guys and Dolls_.

Katrina:

_I love you,_

_a bushel and a peck,_

_a bushel and a peck_

'_cuz I missed you!_

Roran:

_I missed you too, _

_A bushel and a peck, _

_Ya betcha pretty neck I dooooo!_

Both:

_Doodle-oodle-oodle,_

_doodle-oodle-oodle,_

_doodle-oodle-oodle-ooooo!_

_(Instrumental Pause)_

Katrina:

'_cuz I love you, _

_a bushel and a peck,_

_this song is over,_

_but I still love you!_

Both:

_Doodle-oodle-oodle,_

_doodle-oodle-oodle,_

_doodle-oodle-oodle-ooooo!_

The song ended and Roran and Katrina tackled each other once again.

"Let's get married!" Katrina said between kisses.

"I need a house!" said Roran.

"My daddy's scary!"

"DANDILIONS! EVERYWHERE!"

Katrina looked at Roran quizzically, wondering if he was insane.

"Oh, well, never mind!" Said Roran, and they… um…

**Not mentioning that here, thank you.**

Ok, so … um … they … blankitied … until a random dude who was walking down the street saw them on the ground and had his eyeballs burned out. Yeah, then they stopped and went to bed.

* * *

"…and the water falls straight into the depths of Tataurus." Finished Baldor, gesturing to the Anora Falls. "There's a thorny bush over there a ways where you will hide."

"Hm…" said Roran. "Baldor, can I ask your advice?"

"Ask away, my boy!"

"Should I marry Katrina now, or wait for the harvest?"

Baldor pondered for a moment.

"The grass is greener on the other side, son." He said, looking pleased.

Roran frowned and looked confused. "Baldor, that has nothing to do with anything." He said.

Baldor frowned, pondered some more, then spoke. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?"

"That's not quite right either."

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?"

"Nope."

"Money makes the world go round?"

"No."

"Our parents spend half of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the other half to sit down and shut up?"

"Uh-uh."

"Dental hygiene is important in young people?"

"What?"

"Oh, never mind. Anyway, I heard those strangers who killed your father are n town looking for you." Said Baldor conversationally.

"Oh. Is that why I have to camp out here?" asked Roran casually.

"Um, yeah. Hm… you know, I thought you'd be angrier than this." Said Baldor.

"Nah, I really don't feel it this time." Replied Roran.

"Must be those ballet lessons you're taking."

"Yeah… must be…"

So Roran and Baldor said their goodbyes, and Roran went to his new thorn bush to live as a hermit.

* * *

**Hey, sorry for making you all wait. I had a humungonormous writer's block, and I was halfway through chapter 4 before I realized that I needed to be writing about Roran. So, ch 4 coming soon!**

* * *


	4. Giant Spider Pirates

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 4: Giant Spider Pirates**

* * *

"Wake up, you big lazy slob!" Yelled Arya. She was standing over Eragon, who was snoring loudly and drooling. He woke with a start.

"Wuzzagoinon?" He said, disoriented. Eragon wiped the drool off of his face and sat up when he saw Arya.

"Honestly, you really have the worst sleeping habits of anyone I have ever met!" Arya said, her hands on her hips. "Do you have any idea what you did last night?"

"Um… that would be a no." Eragon said.

"Well, I know. You were sleep-attacking Orik all night, screaming about a giant spider!" Arya said. There was a groan from outside and the freakishly small, crawling figure of Orik made its way to the entrance of the tent. He was bruised and bloody, and most of his limbs were bent in awkward positions.

"Oh… Eragon… why? WWWWWHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY? WHA-"

"That's enough, Orik. You can go now." Said Arya, waving her hand dismissively at Orik. He stopped screaming immediately and walked away as if he was not injured at all. Eragon saw him, and, looking confused, pointed in his direction.

"Hey, why did he-" Eragon began.

"And you screamed. In your sleep. _All night."_ Arya said, cutting him off. "None of us slept at all last night because you can't stop _sleep-screaming_!"

"That's not my fault! I suffer from Sleep Arachnophobia _and_ Sleep Panic Disorder!"

Arya just stared.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go annoy some people." Eragon said. He tossed off his covers and stood up with his hands on his hips, looking angry.

Arya screamed and covered her eyes.

"AHHHHHHH! NAKIE! NAKIE!" She yelled, and, in an attempt to run out the door, crashed into the tent wall. The cloth loosened and, somewhere, a rope snapped and the whole tent came down.

A chorus of laughter and screams greeted Eragon when he came out of the tangled rubble. Indeed, He was naked except for a pair of yellowing underwear that looked as though they were part of a legend nearly as old as the Empire itself.

"AH!" Eragon yelled as Saphira flew down from the treetops roaring and setting fire to multiple flammable things.

_You need new underwear, fat one! _Saphira gasped between gales of laughter and flame. Then she grew serious. _We should be near Sithrim soon. I will take you shopping._

_Saphira!_ Eragon cried.

_No ifs, ands, or buts, mister. You and I are getting you some decent underwear, whether you like it or not!_

_Aw… wait, what happened to that supposedly irremovable kilt and such? Arya said- OH! ARYA SAID! She _lied _to me! It's a good thing I'm madly in love with her…_

_Oh, please! She's _way _out of your league. Why don't you find a tree, and hit on that? You might get lucky…_

_Oh, shut up!_

Eragon came back to reality and dove back into the ruined tent. He searched around until he found his clothes. After struggling for several minutes in which he hurt himself severely, Eragon emerged fully clothed. _I guess that kilt's ancient history… _He thought.

By then the camp had gotten over themselves; what was to suspect, anyway? Eragon had humiliated himself more times than usual on this trip. Most of the tents were down, and they were ready to start walking.

"…Is… Is it safe to come out?" came Arya's voice, her head peeking out of the tent, hands still over her eyes.

"Yeah. Hurry up, beautiful, we're leaving."

Arya emerged from the crumpled tent and brushed off her pants. Looking angry, she said, "DON'T call me beautiful!"

Arya began to turn purple, she was so angry. "ARG!" she screamed. Then she turned into a panda.

Wait, no, what? That was weird.

"Sheesh, Arya, just get going!" Eragon said, backing away from the elf. "I swear, she has multiple personalities…" Eragon muttered to himself.

"WHAT did you say?!?!"

"Nothing! Nothing…"

The two ran off to catch up to the rest of the camp and yell at them, for they all had snuck off while Eragon and Arya were fighting in the hopes that they would get lost and never be seen again. Ever.

* * *

The group walked all day with no breaks. Eragon started asking everyone, 'Are we there yet?' after about 10 minutes into the hike. He was so annoying that Arya got angry again and made Eragon carry her the entire time. Needless to say, everyone was tired by the time night fell and camp was set up once again.

* * *

Eragon headed straight for Orik's… or now, his tent, and went to bed in his clothes, not bothering to change into his favorite bunny footsie pajamas. Let's face just it; Arya is fat, and hard to carry.

Eragon was just about asleep when he heard something. He sat up. It was a song, the most beautiful and serene song he had ever heard. He jumped out of bed and ran outside and towards the sound, not bothering to notice the number of elves struggling to hold down humans and dwarves.

"Eragon, wait!" called Arya. She was running through the giant trees after him, but Eragon paid no attention to her. He needed to find the source of the music.

Eragon came to a sudden clearing where a lone man was singing. He was surrounded by animals, his eyes closed and his body swaying with the music. Magic was strong in the air.

"AHHHHH!" Eragon screamed. The man opened his eyes just in time to see Eragon scream and dive on top of him from 20 feet away, before he was knocked unconscious.

"I'm really, really sorry, sir. He couldn't control himself!" Arya said to the man. He was on the ground, rubbing his head and looking furiously at Eragon, the hungry look long gone from his eye, replaced by one of shame.

"Just… just get me a restraining order, and I'll think about not suing…" He replied.

"Um, ok sir, we'll leave now." Arya said apologetically, and the two slipped away.

"I can't BELIEVE you did that!" Arya said to Eragon once they were out of earshot.

"Hey! You said it yourself; I didn't have any control over myself!" Eragon retorted.

"Only you, Eragon, only you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I have no idea."

"Creep."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

* * *

The two reached the camp. It was morning now, and everyone else was waiting for them to return, everything packed again. Orik was sitting on a stump, hunched over. Eragon was curious, so he walked over to the freaky dwarf.

"Whatcha doing, LoserOrik?" he asked, making Orik jump.

"Oh… you know, just… looking over the 2009 Varden Product Catalogue." He answered shiftily.

"Really? Can I see?"

"No! ... Er, no, Eragon. I must ask you to leave me alone."

Eragon looked at Orik, trying to make that sign with your 2 fingers and your eyes that means, _I'm watching you,_ but Eragon poked himself in the eye and walked away crying.

Orik breathed a sigh of relief as Eragon left. He pulled the Barbie dolls out from under him and said, "So… Where were we, Barbie baby?"

* * *

The group continued walking for three weeks, following a basic schedule: Get up, watch Eragon humiliate himself, walk, watch Eragon humiliate himself, rest, watch Eragon humiliate himself, sleep. Occasionally get hit by a sleepwalking Eragon.

It was the same old same old until one of the elves suggested they played pirates. Everyone else was too bored to object, so they all started walking around in peg legs and eye patches and saying 'Arg' all the time. They also stopped bathing and brushing their teeth, too, so they all got scurvy.

One day they were walking, pretending to be on a ship. The lookout was standing on top of an elf, looking around with a telescope. He was looking from side to side, but suddenly he stopped.

"Arg! Old man arg off arg the arg port bow! Arg!"

* * *


	5. An Epic Battle of Sorts

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 5: Epic Battle of Sorts**

* * *

Roran stepped into Horst's shop. Horst looked up from his anvil and put his hands on his hips at the sight of Roran.

"What are you doing back here? I thought we banished- I mean told you to leave for your own safety…!" He said, finishing quickly. Horst didn't want Roran to know that the town council had an emergency meeting and voted that due to Roran's annoyance, he would be exiled unknowingly.

"That thorny bush didn't have a bathroom. Or a first aid kit. Or a TV. Or Computers, a playstation, jungle gyms, a sandbox, _or_ small children! Really disappointed with the living quarters, Horst." Said Roran. "So I've decided to come crawling back here after 6 months and live with you!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Horst, on his knees. He collapsed and hi tongue popped out of his mouth.

Roran started poking Horst. "Ho-orst! Horst? He. Hehe, Horst is so squishy! Hehehehehehehe! SQUEE! Horst is dead! Hehehehe-"

"I'm not dead, you numbskull!" Host said, standing up and rubbing his gut. "I swear, just about every person in this accursed fanfic has multiple personalities…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

"Anyway, I came here for a weapon."

"What did you have in mind?" Asked Horst, who never turned down a business opportunity, even though it would probably annoy him to death.

"Oh, something that fits into the title 'Stronghammer', the villagers have been calling me that and I kind of like it."

Silence.

"…Have you tried a _hammer_?"

"No."

"…"

"I'll do it!"

"Whatever. That'll be 307,000 crowns." Said Horst, giving Roran a war hammer and ringing him up.

"Here." Said Roran, handing Horst a large sack. "Payment is in there."

Horst looked surprised at Roran's sudden richness, but smiled and took the money, handing over the hammer. "Town meeting's tonight, don't miss it."

Roran walked out of the shop, whistling.

Horst looked greedily into the pouch. Inside was a cockroach and a piece of paper. "I.O.U!" he screamed.

* * *

"So it is decided." Said an old dude whose name I forget. It was the town meeting. "The children will go to a farm somewhere, and we, the big grown up kids, will take revenge on the Ra'zac and their destructive, fire-starting soldiers.

Cheers sounded from the people crammed into the old dude's living room.

Someone interrupted through the cheers. "I'm an antidisestablishmentarian!" He said. The room went silent and everyone looked at Roran.

"You support churches that are connected to and/or supported by the state?" said Birgit.

"Whatever." Said Baldor. "Let's kick some patootie!"

"What's a patootie?" Everyone shouted simultaneously. "Whoa, that was weird," they all said again. "And that! And that! And that! And that! And that! And that! And-"

"**Really, everyone, can we just get on with the big dramatic town saving musical number?"**

They reluctantly trooped out of the house with their weapons, Roran leading it all because he was the main character. They marched towards the army of evil people, singing to the tune of _The Wonder Pets Theme Song_.

* * *

**If you are really looking for a good laugh, go to the bottom of the page for instructions on how to get to a site I found in my research. ********It's severely immature, but all I'm wondering is why this guy even bothers to do this**

* * *

_Villagers, Villagers,_

_We're on our way!_

_To rescue Carvahall _

_and save the day!_

_We're no to big_

_And we're not to tough,_

_But if we work together_

_We've got the right stuff!_

_Gooooo Villagers! Hooray!_

_Roran!_

_Ra'zac!_

_civilians, too!_

_We're ready for battle _

_And we'll kill you!_

_What's gonna work?_

_Fighting!_

_What's gonna work?_

_Violence!_

_Hooray!_

_We're coming to fight you, evil dudes!_

The two sides charged and fought and stuff and stuffs. Instead of describing a long and drawn out battle in which Galbatorix's army is driven off, Carvahall suffers heavy casualties, and the Ra'zac tell the villagers that if they don't hand over Roran, they'll all die, I will- oh, wait. Darn.

* * *

**Much-Needed Chapter Epilogue**

_Roran steps onto the long empty battle scene. He clears his throat and begins to sing. Terribly._

_HAEAEY ALL YOUUU ELDEST FAIAIAIANS!_

_THIS IS ROAOAOAORAAAN!_

_THE AAAAUUUUTHOR _

_GOT REALLY MESSED UUUUUP_

_SO NOOOOOW_

_TECHNICALLY_

_CARVAHALL IS LIVING IN CHAPTER 12_

_AND ERAGON AND HIS FRIEEEENDS_

_ARE IN CHAPTER 25._

_IN THE REAL BOOOK._

_SOOOO_

_IN ORDER TO GET THE TIMELINE RIIIIIIIIIIGHT_

_CARVAHALL IS MOVING_

_TO WHERE THEY WOULD BEEEE_

_IF THIS WAS CHAPTER 25._

_SOOOOO_

_I'M GOING TO FILL YOU IIIIN._

_WE DECIDE TO RESIST GALBY AND I PROPOSE TO KATRINA SHE SAYS YEEEEEEES AND CARVAHALL FIGHTS AGAIN A KID IS KILLED AND KATRINA AND THE KIDS GO CAMPING BUT KATRINA'S DADDY SLOAN SAYS SHE CAN'T MARRY RORAN BUT SHE SAYS SHE WILL SO HE DISOWNS HER AND SHE'S REALLY SAAAAAAD SO SHE DOESEN'T GO CAMPIIIING AND THEN KATRINA AND SLOAN ARE KIDNAPPED BY THE RA'ZAAAAAAAAC._

_Roran finishes quickly and takes a drink of water from his squirt bottle. He looks around sheepishly and turns a bit red in the face._

_UUUUUM THAT IS AAAAAAL._

**Yay 2 chappies in 1 day. Turns out, I had ch 4 finished, and I thought I posted it already, but I didn't, so I wrote this one and then I realized that I didn't post chapter 4 so now I have to go do that.**

* * *

**Here are the INSTRUCTIONS to the FUNNY SITE! **

I want you to see the site. It's HILARIOUS!

1. go to .#weewee.

2. most likely, that link above will only say #weewee. so type this in the address bar:

3. h t t p : / / a d g e n t 0 0 4 2 . f i l e b u r s t . c o m / w p e t s . h t m l # w e e w e e

4. don't click go, but remove the spaces between ALL the characters in the address. THEN click go. this SHOULD take you to the site.

5. COMMENT ON WHAT YOU THINK!


	6. Nasuada is Annoyed

****

What Really Happened in Eldest?

**Chapter 6: Nasuada is Annoyed**

* * *

Hello. This is Nasuada. I will be writing the chapter below. This is an author's note. I am stating the obvious in blunt, unconnected sentences that should really be separate paragraphs. Do you know what my name means? No? Well, isn't this a good excuse to tell a long, boring story with a moral that no one will pay any attention to, hm? Anyway…

When I was writing this, the computer didn't recognize my name. So when I right clicked on my name, one of the spelling suggestions was nausea. And that's what word my name comes from, and means. Nausea.

On with the story!

So here we are… walking… and walking… and walking…

Nasuada was really bored. The entire Varden was moving, and she did not like it one bit, even though she had an apartment sized, well, apartment that was being carried by a bunch of buff Varden members, a TV, a throne that said 8 action phrases like, "It's time to rule!" and, "That cat ate my crown!" and squirted bubbles when you squeezed the arm, a PSP, a DS, a GBA, a WII, a GameCube, an Xbox and a plug-in Pong game, a personal slave, and a whole bunch of doughnuts.

Wow, that was one, giant, run on sentence. How great a writer am I?

"Wait a minute!" said Nasuada. "I'm not even writing this chapter!"

"**I know. I read that story you e-mailed me as a 'writing audition', and I decided not to let you near a pen for the rest of eternity.**

"Or until your dad loses 20 pounds?"

"**Basically."**

"Well, I think we should show the readers my story. It was very good. You just have no taste whatsoever."

"**Whatever. I need a good laugh."**

* * *

**Nasuadas SttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttoryLOLOLOLOOLOOOOOOOL:**

Wunzapanatime there was a bootiful pwincess, name Jessca. No, wait. Wnzapanatime, there was a bootiful merdaid. An she sed, "Itsa som yooby Philip baa." Erri no noobi flibber AH- AH AHHHHH! TEE SARRY DADDY'S BUSHY! "IIIIIT'S JESSCA!"

**Dee En!**

* * *

"That wasn't my story at all!" cried Nasuada.

"**Oh yes. I must have switched it with my baby sister's favorite story."**

"Wow."

"**She's a BABY! You big meanie! I'M LEAVING!"**

"But wait! You haven't even showed them my story yet!"

"**Oh, for the love of bran raisin muffin loaf…"**

"Huh?"

* * *

**Nausea's Storypppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppoop:**

Once there who day eat using feet. baker need a The pie man very, broke The until

Apon was loved he a nothing He and you really baker right ate very a man he

A a inventing. Decided whole but called said, to big made away. The fast. world was puked.

Time man One to pie his the "I make pie!" the The pie He record! happy,

* * *

There was a long pause.

"**And I thought you were unintelligent before…"**

"Nuh uh! How is that not a good story!?!?"

"**Well, for one thing, all the words are jumbled up."**

"No they're not!"

"**Really? Then what do you call 'Time man One to pie his the "I make pie!" the The pie He record! happy,'?"**

"You're reading it the wrong way! It's up to down, not left to right!"

"**Oh, I am DONE. This author's note/interruption has gone on long enough. And be thankful I removed all stereotypes during author's notes, or you'd be screaming about football."**

"But wait! What about me writing the sto-

* * *

Nasuada sat, as mentioned above (way, way above), in her apartment whist being carried through the Beor mountains. They had been walking all day, and the men who were carrying Nasuada's house were about to pass out from exhaustion. This meant that it was nearly time to set up camp for the night, because when the men were crushed, no one would bother to try and lift the apartment again until they absolutely needed to.

There was a groan of pain from underneath Nasuada's feet, and the apartment crashed to the ground.

Nasuada looked up from her Madden Cheer '09 game, stuck her head out the window, and said, "BREAK TIME, NOBLE CITIZENS!"

The 'noble' citizens praised the god of writing (ME!) and set down their heavy packs. Many of them sat down and promptly fell asleep.

Nasuada smoothed her green and white cheerleader outfit and walked out on the Porch of the Leader-Person-Thing.

Whoever named that porch must have been fun, indeed.

Anyway, she sat in her patented Varden Action Phrase Throne –Varden Action Phrase Throne says 8 action phrases batteries not included tax not included inflate yourself further restrictions may apply only $499.99 buy today!- On her front porch, playing with the bubbles and waiting for her thoroughly whiny subjects to come and complain to her. Sure enough, two squabbling men soon approached Nasuada.

"*sigh* What, what, what do you want?" she said, bored, yet still spunky enough. She had not slept well, and was too tired to cheer every word and scream and such.

"He a-stole mah CHICKENS!" said the skinny man in a heavy southern accent. "'An he ate 'em awl! 'Firteen of 'em!"

Nasuada looked at the other, larger man. "You ate thirteen chickens in one day?" she said. "No wonder you can't keep a good figure." She added skeptically.

"I di'n eet all 'o em in wone da-ay!" said the larger man, in a slow, deep southern accent. "I saved wone!"

He took a large, live chicken out of the folds of his belly fat. He showed it to Nasuada and the other man, unhinged his jaw, and ate the chicken whole.

"You ate a live chicken!?!?" Nasuada exclaimed.

"So wha' if I did?" said the large man. A faint clucking noise came from his stomach as he patted it.

"You have to pay this man for his stolen chickens."

"Thank ya!" cried the skinny man.

"Give him 4 cents." Nasuada said.

"What?"

"Now go, I'm tired."

The thin man outraged, and the large man happy, the two left Nasuada's presence. She was not alone for long, though. Trianna approached, and the two entered the apartment.

"What do you want?" said Nasuada.

"Lookit my lacy-"

"Goodbye!" interrupted Nasuada.

Trianna looked crestfallen, and tuned to leave the apartment when Elva and Angela burst in.

"Milady!" screamed Elva. "Duck!"

"Where?" said Nasuada, looking for a duck in the small office room. "Is it under my desk?" she bent down and looked under the desk.

A small dart smashed the window of Nasuada's apartment and imbedded itself in the wall where her head had been a second before.

"What was that!?!?" yelled Nasuada, jumping up and hitting her head on the desk.

"A dart." Said Angela, pulling it out of the wall and holding it close to her face.

"Can you tell if it was deadly poison?" said a breathless Trianna.

"Yes. There is _one _way." Answered Angela. "Yo! One of you guards! Come here!" she yelled out the smashed window.

One of the guards appeared in the doorway a second later. "Yes?" he said.

Angela said nothing, but approached the guard and stuck the dart in his am. His eyes bulged, then he dropped to the ground. Yup, it's definitely fatal," she said as she walked back over to the speechless huddle of women, and, er, babies.

Nasuada looked angry. "Well, we could have done that _without _your help!"

Trianna looked aghast, clutching her lace to her chest. "I meant, examine the poison or something! You didn't need to _kill _him!"

"I didn't?" said Angela. "Oh, well. Cue the credits!"

* * *

**There are no credits! Hah! Silly insane herbalist!**


	7. City of Pink

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 7: City of Pink

* * *

**

Indeed, an old man sat in a tree ahead. Eragon approached him. As he neared, he realized that the man was wearing very pink, very fluffy, and very girly clothes.

"Arg, hello, arg! We arg come in peace arg! We arg need arg to enter arg the arg city." He said.

The old man stared at them, and then said in a squeaky, girlish voice, "Peeeeeeeace? Like, OK! Come one in, like, totally, dudes!"

"Arg, thank you, arg, old guy… or… girl… whatever the heck you are, arg!"

The man looked affronted but let them pass.

Eragon looked around at the vast city of Ellesmera before him. "So, the elves are, arg, like, a species in hiding?" he asked Arya. She nodded. "Then why, if you need to hide from Galbatorix, would you paint your entire city pink?"

Indeed, the entire city was spray painted hot pink, everything, even the trees. It was so blindingly feminine that it, was, well, blinding. As in it made Eragon scream in unnecessary pain.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOWAAAGH!" Eragon suddenly yelled, falling to his knees.

"What is it Eragon?" cried Arya. "I think the author is mad at him again."

"Why?" asked a dwarf.

"Good point. She probably just doesn't like him."

**"Actually, the sheer girliness of this city has finally triggered the belated seizures from the wound in his back."**

"Oh. That helps." said Arya. "So, what was the point of giving him an injury that serves no purpose whatsoever?"

**"Hey, I didn't make it up, some kid in Montana did. Plus, it's fun to see Eragon in pain!"**

Arya shrugged as Eragon began to recover. "Well, she has a point."

Eragon stood shakily. "Aw, I was hoping the author forgot my seizures…"

**"Are you kidding?!?! No, you're much too easy to hurt. And I enjoy pain…"**

The group decided to forget that comment and proceeded to meet Queen Islanzadi.

"What a stupid name!" said Eragon as he and Arya walked to the big pink palace thing. "I mean, Islannazi? Is that German?"

Arya looked angry. "It's IslanDAZI, and she just happens to be the single most influential person in my entire life." She said quietly, but with enough intensity to make Eragon explode.

"Oh. Whatever, we're here." Said Eragon. They had arrived at the lavish palace.

Two guards wearing nothing but pink fluff balls that made them look like Easter eggs weakly grasped spears. "Halt." said one to Eragon.

Eragon stepped forward regally. "I'm Eragon, and this is Arya, and this is LoserOrik, and this is Saphira, and this is John, and this is Selena, and this is Ben…" Eragon continued to point to and name every person in the party. "… and this is Arnold!" he finished, looking pleased.

A nerd in a dress shirt, plaid pants, a pocket protector, and giant glasses stepped forward. "Hiiiiiii." He said in a nasally voice, using the Vulcan hand greeting. "Amnuni sarutakka robetussin teriyaki undanukquanip frodo bob."

The elfish guards stood straight at once. "You may pass, O Great Frodobobnukquanip and party." one of them said. Eragon eyed Arnold strangely but passed through the archway.

The party entered a large, grand, and ornate hall, at the far end of which sat a woman on a throne. She stood as Eragon and Arya approached and knelt before Queen of the elves, Islanzadi. Islandazi tried to bow as well, but she bent too far and did a somersault, landing in a heap of feathers and unnecessary pink fabric poufs. She pushed herself up awkwardly, blushing. At last she spoke.

"I have heard tales of the return of the Frodobobnukquanip. At last, I see it is true." She said as Saphira stuck her head through the wall.

Wuzzagoinon? She asked, whipping her shiny serpentine head around.

"Frodobobnukquanip? What's that mean, and why are you calling me it?" asked Eragon.

"In the Ancient Language of magic, Frodobobnukquanip means 'Great Medicine Cabinet of Glory Eating Snakey Moo Wrecking Ball Starfish'. It is a title you should be most proud to bear, as it is only given to Dragon Riders."

"Um…"

"Rise, Frodobobnukquanip. Rise, O Daughter of Mine." Eragon stood, and Arya leapt up and ran at Islanzadi, giving her a crushing hug that knocked them both to the floor.

"MOMMY! I MISSED YOU, MOMMY! WHEEEEEE!" she squealed.

"Mommy?" said Eragon weakly. "You're a princess?"

"'Course I am, Eragon! If I wasn't, there wouldn't be any interesting twists in the love subplot, now would there?"

"Get off me, dear." Came a muffled voice from below Arya.

Arya shrieked and looked around. "Who said that? Oh, Hi Mommy."

She got up off her mother, who brushed herself off and walked over to her throne.

"As I was saying, O Great Frodobobnukquanip, you possess great power. We in Ellesmera-" The queen, who had been walking as she talked, fell into a giant, gaping crack in the floor. She screamed as she fell to the earth's core.

Meanwhile, two royal guards watching the scene in the grand hall had a whispered conversation.

"You know, I don't remember a gaping hole in the floor being there before."

"Yeah, I mean, who was the architect that designed this place, I mean, really?"

When Islanzadi had been removed from the ground, It was dusk and the klutzy queen demanded Eragon stay in their luxury tree house.

"'Luxury Tree house'? You'd think the all knowing, wise, powerful, and in all ways Mary-Sueish elves could come up with better names for things." Eragon said as he walked through the lush pink foliage with Saphira.

Exactly my point about humans, replied Saphira, snorting. I'd call it Diaper-house-hangs-from-tree.

"What was that about the diaper?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD WE ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed their elf escort from behind them. He pushed Eragon and Saphira towards the tree. "Oksleeptightdon'tletthebedbugsbitehavefunfightingthetreeBYE!" He said quickly, and sprinted away before the two could react with nasty thoughts.

Did he just say, 'have fun fighting the tree'?

"I think-" but Eragon, who had just touched the door to the tree house stairs, had his words were cut short with a horrible shriek and the sound of splintering wood. The two turned around to see their vibrantly pink tree uprooting itself from the ground. There was a gaunt, creepy face carved into its bark that hadn't been there before, screaming angrily.

"Um… that tree doesn't look friendly…" said Eragon, backing away.

You are such a coward, fat one. I am not afraid of trees.

Saphira flew at the advancing tree and got into a fistfight with it. They were rolling around on the floor in a cloud of dust for several hours before the tree finally gave up. It walked over to its original spot and stopped moving with its door wide open.

And that's how it's done, said Saphira proudly, swaggering a little.

"Yeah, congratulations, you just beat up a tree. Let's get inside; I'm tired." answered Eragon testily.

They each proceeded to climb the narrow stairway at the same time, causing Eragon's skin to rub off against Saphira. Much more squishing, bruises, flames, growls, feeble spells, pain, and stupidity later, the two burst, gasping, into their tree house.

Eragon and Saphira gaped at the room. It was barely as large as the staircase, with a cot, a dog bed, and a little wooden plank sticking out of a hole in the wall that they supposed was a balcony.

"This is their luxury suite?!?!" yelled Eragon.

I can only imagine what their regular rooms are like.

"Let's just get some sleep." said Eragon. He squeezed past Saphira's butt and laid down on his cot as she did the same on her dog bed.

Eragon did not sleep well that night, even if Saphira did. This was because Saphira had gas.

Bad.

Gas.

As in as soon as she fell asleep, a constant stream of farts came out of her rear end, and the fact that her rear end was in Eragon's face the whole night didn't help either, or the fact that there were no windows in the tree house for the smell to go, or the fact that they were in such an enclosed space.

So Eragon didn't sleep.

At all.

Saphira did, at least, until she heard the stumbling, falling sound of Queen Islandazi walking up the path…

* * *

**It's been a LOOOOOONG time since I updated, hasn't it, Arnold?**

"Why, yes it has, Author! Did you know the squared product of 127-"

**That's QUITE enough, Arnold.**

Arnold looked really sad and went off to do his math homework.

**Actually, this chapter was finished over 2 weeks ago. No one saw it, apart from mi hermana, David. I was just to lazy to update! But it's here now, and I need to leave. I'm sick. Cough, Cough, ow, my head. You get the picture, right? Right.**


	8. The Flurpies Are Watching You

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 8: The Flurpies Are Watching You**

* * *

Please note that the scene blow takes place in an undisclosed location somewhere in the basement of Horst's house, Carvahall, Alegaesia.

* * *

Horst, dressed in a black suit and dark shades, was standing in the darkness of his basement, shining a bright flashlight in Roran's eyes. Roran, who was severely angry, was tied to a chair with thick, tight ropes. He was struggling to get out of them and screaming at Horst.

"WTF!!!LEMME OUT OF THIS CHAIR!!!!!!!! I WANNA GO SAVE KATRINA AND KILL SLO-O-OH-AN!" He screamed, and began crying hysterically. "OWWWWW! MY ARM! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Y. Hehe. Y."

Horst sighed once more and intensified the flashlight beam.

"I told you before, bub. You aren't leaving here until your arm is better! Got that, hot stuff? Yeah, you think you're so cool-" –Horst made a high pitched voice- "Oh, look at me! I'm so heroic, going after my lost love with a broken arm! Yay me, everyone loves me! I'm gonna go on a suicide mission now! Have fun picking up the fragmented pieces of your hopes and dreams, villagers!-" –Horst looked stern and resumed his own voice again- "Well, it ain't happenin'. You could, of course, be sitting in bed right now, slurping soup and eating crumpets, but no-o! You had to play the hero, didn't you, tough guy! We had to drag you to the basement and force you to heal. SO HEAL!"

Horst meant to be intimidating, as he was working of his acting skills. He was supposed to be a government agent, and he was supposed to make Roran scared, but there was only the steady, loud sound of snores. Roran had fallen asleep.

"WAKE UP, YOU LOUSY IMBICLE!" Horst shouted; Roran awoke with a jump, drool flying everywhere.

"So…" Roran mumbled sleepily, "What was the point of telling me what happened in a most boring and unpleasant manner?"

"Well, I really don't know…"

**"Can we just get on with the story, here?"**

"Actually, I think this is a filler chapter in the book, am I right, Horst?" said Roran

"Yeah, I think he's right, author-person-vegitable-mineral-thing." said Horst.

**"Whatever. Let's just get to the town meeting."**

"Oh! I love town meetings! I heard that I get to make a spee-

* * *

The meeting house was silent as Roran, with his half-healed arm, stepped to the podium in front of the townspeople.

"Citizens of Carvahall!" he said. There was a dramatic pause. Someone coughed. "Ducks. Geese. Nubby lunch monsters! Now is the time to act! Hoodies look cool with ketchup in the Fall! The Statue of Liberty fell in love with the amplifier! I was… invited to the wedding. 6 beautiful kids. Wonderful..." Roran said. He wiped his nose, oblivious to the Mommy-I-think-that-guy-is-muy-muy-loc­o- stares that he was receiving from everyone in the room. "…cannot go on. THE FLURPIES ARE WATCHING YOU!" He screamed at a man who was quietly exiting the room. Heads whipped around to look at the man and he sheepishly sat down again. Roran swaggered a bit. "We must… band together! In this time… time of… band… darkness…"

His speech trailed off. Horst came up to the podium, put a supportive arm behind the delirious Roran's back, and led him out of the building, whispering to him gently. Heads followed him as the door swung shut.

Silence.

"So what do you think he meant by that?" asked a woman.

"He wanted us to babble like idiots?"

"We should eat oatmeal!"

"What are we going to do?"

"I think he meant that we should cross the Spine to Terim and take to boat to Surda!"yelled another man.

More silence, then small mutterings.

"That's not such a bad idea…"  
"Yeah..."  
"Yeah, Ok!"  
"Let's hear it for Larry!"

Cheers and applause erupted from the crowd as several people lifted Larry up on their shoulders. There was a big party that lasted several days, unti Larry insisted that they all prepare for the grueling journey ahead. Reluctantly, the villagers went home to pack.

* * *

Roran was somewhat calmer than he had been after last night's 'episode', and decided to see Gertrude the Healer for his arm.

"Why am I injured again?" he said.

**"You got bitten by the Ra'zac, how many times do I have to tell you! You're really, really annoying, did you know that?"**

"That's not-"

**"Shut up! You're already here, and you're giving me a migrane. Sheesh, you can tell he and Eragon are realted…"**

Roran frowned at all the abuse he was receiving from the author, and walked over to Gertrude, who pushed him into a chair and unwrapped his bandages.

"EEEEEWWW!" she screamed.

Roran gulped and looked down at the wound. It was painful and swollen, and there was a duck-shaped scar on his arm.

"OOOH! A DUCK! Maybe it's magical, like Harry Potter's scar!" Roran grabbed a stick off the floor and waved it around like a madman. "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA! INCENDIO! AGUAMENTI! CRUCIO!" Nothing happened. Bitterly, Roran threw the stick back to the ground and pouted. He looked up to see Gertrude slowly backing away from him, her face green. "Why is that so gross?"he asked Gertrude.

"I don't like ducks…" she said shikily. Then she grabbed a broom and began hitting Roran towards the door, her face contorted with rage. "Get out of here, you evil duck-scarred dude! DIE!"

Roran ran, with Gertrude chasing him, for several blocks before she seemed to disappear. Not knowing where he was, Roran ducked into a random tavern.

It was smoky inside Morn's Tavern, and Roran could barely see. Thus he had the misfortune of blindly sitting down with a group of men discussing the journey through the Spine.

"…food is the real problem. How can we feed the whole village for months?"

"Hunt?" a man suggested.

"No, that won't work." said another man. "We'll have to bring our flocks wth us, even if they cause trouble."

"Wow."  
"Great idea!"  
"That's brilliant!  
"You're just chock full of bright ideas, now aren't you Larry?" said Horst, clapping his hands together. "Three cheers for Larry!"

"Oh, God, not again!" Larry said, and before the villagers could 'celebrate', he ran through the wall, leaving a Larry-shaped hole behind.

* * *

**Wow. 2 chapters in one day(sort of)! Guess i've been making up for all the late stuff I've been writing. Heh. Y.**


	9. The Patented Varden DragonMobile X9000

**What Really Happened In Eldest?**

**Chapter 9: Surprise 'n' Spaz**

* * *

Sunlight shone through the tiny tree house, somehow around Saphira, and shined on Eragon's face, gently waking him with its warm rays. He smiled and yawned, thinking about the wonderful day ahead of him.

"**SURPRISE****!****!!!!"**

There was a loud scream coming from all directions, from multiple mouths. Eragon jolted out of his bed and hit the ceiling, and for the first time, realized his surroundings.

There was a crowd of 40, maybe 50 elves and a few dwarves crammed in the 4 foot square tree house. They were all wearing party hats and were throwing confetti everywhere, blowing kazoos, singing, and smiling so big it looked painful. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERAGON!" They shouted.

Eragon sat up and smiled. "Aw, you guys remembered my birthday!" he said, wiping away a tear as a large cake was placed in front of him with the words, '_Happy 402nd Birthday Eragon!_' written in icing on top. His smile faltered when he saw the cake writing. "Do I really look that old?" he asked weakly. The crowd laughed and Orik clapped him on the back. "Always the joker, aren't you, Eragon? Hah!" he said, chuckling.

_You didn't tell me it was your birthday! _said Saphira over the clamor.

Eragon frowned again. "It's not." he said. The rowdy crowd of partygoers froze. "Awwww…" they all said at the same time, and all trooped back down the stairs. An elf took Eragon's cake with him, just as Eragon was about to take a bite. He threw Eragon a nasty look and said. "Liar!" and kicked Eragon where it hurts.

By the time Eragon had recovered from his crying, It was nearly noon. He sniffled and looked up from the floor to see Queen Islanzadi. He jumped up and hit his head on the ceiling again.

"Hello Erago-" Queen Islandazi barely got half the word out of her mouth before she fell, face-first, to the ground.

Eragon just stared at her groaning figure. "Did you just trip even though you were standing still?" he said insensitively.

"It's a condition..." said the Queen as she stood up rubbing her back. "Anyway, I told the elves of my court I had a surprise for you, but I believe they too it the wrong way."

"Got that right." said Eragon grouchily, rubbing where the elf had kicked him.

Islanzadi ignored that.

"…Erm, anyway… please follow me for your real surprise. Oh, and, when I fall down the stairs, which I most certainly will, don't bother helping me. I can take it. I have a record of most broken bones, you know. I've broken each bone in my body at least twice, except my stirrup bone, but you can't break that, it's in your ear, so it doesn't count. I have a trophy in my throne room. You should come see it, it's quite nice. It's all golden an-DA-OO-O-AIEE-AH-OOF!" Queen Islanzadi's strange ramble was cut off as she fell down the stairs.

Eragon shrugged and walked down the stairs behind her flailing body.

* * *

They had been walking for only ten minutes, but Eragon was panting and complaining profusely.

_SUCK IT UP, YOU FAT LITTLE BOY! _Saphira yelled at him.

"But it's just SO HA-AAAAAAARD!" Eragon whined back.

The two continued to yell and scream insults at each other for the remainder of the walk, much to the displeasure of the rest of the party, including Arya, Orik, and a few of Islanzadi's trusted nobles.

…_DID I _EVER _CHOOSE YOU TO HATCH FOR? I MUST HAVE BEEN DELIRIOUS WHEN-_

Islanzadi, who had had enough of their constant bickering, broke them up in the kindest manner she could muster. "SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! WE'RE _HERE_!" she screamed, stamping her foot, whirling around, and gesturing to a clearing in the pink trees at the base of a mountain.

The two were so surprised that they fell silent. Now, without the fat boy's cries and the dragon's booming mind-insults, the party could hear a _thud…_

_Thud…_

_Thud…_

_Thud…_

_Thud…_

_Can we get on with it?_

_Thud…_

_Guess not._

_Thud._

Eragon wet his pants. (There we go!)

A golden dragon stood before him, an old Rider on its back. The Rider wore a tuxedo and carried a microphone. Eragon knew that face.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! THE MOURNING SAGE! OMG HE'S GONNA KILL ME! RUN AWAAAAAAAY!" Eragon screamed. He tried to run away but Saphira caught him with her tail and shook him, hard. Perhaps a bit harder than she needed to.

"Relax, Eragon." said a voice behind Eragon. He turned and jumped. The Rider was standing next to him, smiling cheesily. "I am not here to hurt you, as I was in our oh-so-ill-fated last meeting. In fact, you should consider yourself lucky… BECAUSE YOU'RE A CONTESTANT OOOOON… '_THE OLD DRAGON RIDER DUDE IS GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO STUFF!!!!!_' Big applause! Come on crowd!" The Rider was clapping and smiling even wider still, but the party was just staring at him. He stopped clapping, but still smiled. "Allrighty then! Tough crowd…" he started muttering to himself and climbed back on his giant golden dragon.

There was a strangled, squeaky shout coming from the group of side characters. Orik seemed beside himself; he was swaying and staring at the dragon with huge eyes. He ran up to the dragon with a crazed air.

"*raspy gasp*Can… can it be?" Orik said, very close to the gold dragon, eyeing it hungrily. "OOOOOH! IT IS! Oh… oh, my…" he touched the dragon lightly with a shaking hand. He recoiled as if electrocuted, a crazed smile apon his lips. "The patented Varden Dragon-Mobile X-9000-4...product number 478109… one of 276 sold… limited edition… collector's dream…" Orik's voice trailed off.

He was jumping all around the dragon, boggling at it, muttering in the cracking, bubbling, deranged voice of an obsessionist. "GPS Navigation…" he boggled at the dragon's snarling head. "3 wheel drive…" he giggled with glee at the dragon's three remaining legs. "O-O-O-O-O!" he shook with awe and amazement. Gently Orik stroked the dragon's golden hide. "Leather upholstery… OOOOOOH!" he screamed, and dropped into a dead faint of excitement.

The clearing was completely silent, every pair of eyes staring at the unconscious Orik. One of the elf nobles grabbed Orik and dragged him away, the party's head's following them as they grew smaller and vanished.

There was an awkward pause.

"**You know, now would be a good time for one of Eragon's pointless seizures."**

There was a small pause as everyone looked up at the hole in the sky, then to Eragon, who was looking sour.

"That's not such a bad idea, Eragon." said the Rider, abandoning his game-show host act. "I'm Oromis, by the way."

_I am Glaedr, _added the dragon, who had a deep, earth rumbling voice. Literally. The earth shook and Islandazi well into another bottomless pit. Everyone groaned.

"Fine…" Eragon muttered, staring at the ground. He laid down on the soft pink grass and waited. And waited. Then-

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!" Eragon screamed, writhing on the ground in pain. Everyone ignored him, and proceeded to make boring small talk that they couldn't remember 10 minutes later.

Hours later, Eragon finally stopped screaming and stood up shakily.

"Hey Oro-"

"**You know what?"**

"Oh, come on!"

"**I've been really quiet in this chapter! I mean, usually there's always **_**someone **_**to yell at, or force to do my bidding, or horribly disfigure… anyway, I've been quiet."**

"Maybe it's because your writing was perfect!" suggested Arya.

"**No one likes a suck up, Arya."**

Arya pouted.

"_Why_ are you telling us this?" yelled Eragon, who was, for some reason, severely annoyed by the author's way of, well, getting in the way.

"**Oh, I don't know, to balance out the bold writing in the story, I suppose. I always think it looks neat."**

"Can you just go away?" Eragon asked.

"**Fine. But only because my mom is pushing me into bed right now, ok?"**

"Oh my God." whispered Arya. "The author actually _listened _to something Eragon said!"

"Wow." said another elf.

"Anyway, Eragon," said Oromis. "Come to my cave-er, house, at dawn each day. I will teach you the mystical ways of the dragon rider. OEEOOEEEOOOOOEEE!" and he proceeded to belly dance.

* * *

**The scene where Orik has a spaz attack over Glaedr is a bit hard to understand if you don't actually see it. Just think of a guy whose lifelong, obsessional dream has suddenly become true, making him a bit crazy. Don't ask me where I got the idea. It just sort of… fell on me.**


	10. The DUCK KID

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 10: Nasuada Gets MOUTHY!**

Oh, woe is Nasuada! How diligently ere worketh, haply some break time beith acquired? Nay, I say, though woefully I must inform thou; ere fair maiden hath not resteth in a fortnight. Day after day, Noble Lady of the Varden, Nasuada, toileth in the depths of thy office, thus surrounded by endless heaps of thus bane of hope and gayness: paperwork. Ere maiden slaveth-

_**"Forsooth and trumpet call! Who doth dare to pulleth on the Shakespeare Speeche Switch?"**_

The maiden Nasuada doth turn the crimson of a late summer's rose and raiseth her blackened hand to the sky.

"'Twas I, Lady of the Flowing Words, Goddess of the Pen and Ink, Creator of the World that Was, Is, and is Yet to Come. I doth seeketh to pulleth a prank on thou."

Thundercloud swirl and lightning crack; such is the rage of the mighty author.

**"Get thee hence to yonder Shakespeare Speeche Switch, and pull ere switch so that I may talketh like yonder regular human being! And thou hath stolen the pen of I! Thou shalt not let I findeth thee writing yonder story again, so let thee beith warned: I doth possess power over thou so that I mayest kill thee."**

The maiden Nasuada doth jump in her shoes and hurry off to yonder Shakespeare Speeche Switch. With grunts and growls-a-many, the maiden Nasuada dost pullet ere switch, thus- letting us talk like our normal, 21st century selves again. Phew.

**"What the heck do you think you're doing! If you don't want to do any more paperwork, then just finish it all instead of procrastinating! Or don't do it!"**

Indeed, in case you couldn't understand my Shakespearian era typing, Nasuada was doing paperwork, even though it was a beautiful day outside. She was, needless to say, really, really bored.

"I was, needless to say, really, really bored!" argued Nasuada, squinting down at the half-finished manuscript before her.

**"Stop saying everything I write! And how did you get my manuscript, anyway? It's not even finished yet! Give that back!" **A hand smashed through the ceiling, took the manuscript, and receded back to the sky. **"Really, Nasuada! You're being really bad today!"**

"I'm just SO… Buh----Buh------BOOOOOOOOOORRRRED! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Nasuada screamed and threw herself on the floor, wailing and crying.

**"Nasuada, you- oh, you know what, I'm not even going to bother.*SIGH* Why do we always have to start a Nasuada chapter with a really long and mischievous introduction with Nasuada?"**

The author turned and retreated to her sky-hole. Ok, that sounded wrong… anyway! Back to the plotline.

Just then, Angela walked into the room. She saw Nasuada, still having a temper tantrum on the floor, and smiled widely.

"OH! Is this another one of those fancy new screaming parties!? Oh, I love those! YIPPIE!" she squealed, and dove on the floor next to Nasuada, also screaming and crying.

* * *

It was several hours before Nasuada realized the author was gone. She stood up shakily, and, wiping her nose, stared at Angela.

"Angela? What the heck are you doing?"she said, trying to sound commanding.

Angela stopped crying immediately and sat up, her normally wild hair even frizzier. "Oh, Hi Lady Nasuada." she said, smiling serenely, as if nothing strange was happening, her happy expression answered by a mixed look of revulsion, creeped outedness, and puzzlement on Nasuada's face.

Then Angela frowned slightly.

"I was supposed to tell you something, wasn't I?... Hm… oh yeah! You need to meet that little girl who told you about the duck in chapter 6." she said, evidently pleased with herself.

Nasuada frowned and looked unhappy. "Fine, if I must." she said half-heartedly, and rose to leave with Angela. BUT… really, she was thinking, 'Oh my god, it's the DUCK KID! I'm gonna meet her and the DUCK! I'm so excited! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOOOOO OOOOOOO! He. Hehe. Goo.' which was very different, and possibly better, than the stuff that usually ran through her head, like,'DucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucksDucks-'

"…child's name is Elva," Angela was saying as she and Nasuada walked down a hallway to Elva's room. "Be careful around her…" Angela bent close to Nasuada and whispered in her ear. "She's a weirdie!" Angela moved back, nodding confidently and a bit dumbly. Then she walked into a wall.

They had reached the room. Nasuada gasped as she entered it. The whole room was strewn with leftover bits of food: chicken bones, apple cares, feebly stiffing animals, Larry, you name it. It was all there and bitten. Wait, Larry?

There was a small toddles with black hair and a purple dress devouring a platter bigger than her full of food. No, not the platter itself, I mean the food that was on it. Yeah. So…. yeah. She was eating it ravenously, throwing the scraps carelessly over her shoulder. The platter had been full when the two women had gotten there, but it was now empty.

"AAAAHHHH!" the child said to an old woman, ravenously. The woman took the platter and hurried away. Elva sighed agitatedly and shook her head, rubbing her rumbling stomach. She ate so much, yet she was so very thin that she resembled a thin person. Wow, great at analogies, aren't I?

Anyway, Elva looked up at Angela and Nasuada. She had big, thick black sunglasses on. As the small child turned, Nasuada saw a cane behind her, over which she puzzled.

Elva was still sitting on the floor, looking straight at Nasuada, but seemingly struggling with something. She was moving her mouth and tongue, making strangled, gargling, babyish noises. After a few minutes, the gibberish began to sound like strange words.

Nasuada stared at Elva's eyes. They seemed to bore right through her, making her scared and want the blankie that her Mommy made he throw away last week because "rulers don't need to drag blankies around for safety. They have bodyguards!"

Nasuada sidled closer to Angela and whispered in her ear, "Her eyes are creeping me out!"

Angela turned to Nasuada, gher hands on her hips, a nonplussed expression on her face. "She's wearing sunglasses!"

"Welc-come to my haoouse." Elva said. The two turned back to the girl. Her voice made Nasuada shiver; it sounded like an adult's. "I ha-a-ave waited for you, Nasuada, ever since I learned to talk."

"When was that?" asked Nasuada.

"Just a minute ago." she answered.

**"AHA! I caught you again!" **yelled the author suddenly, pointing a giant arm at Nasuada's face.

"What?"

**"You were doing that… that quoting thing again! That's exactly what the Nasuada in the real book said to Elva when you first met her! So THERE!"**

"You're the one who's making me say everything that I'm saying nopw, anyway! Wait, WTF? NOPW? What the heck is that?"

**"That's me, making you say everything I want you to."**

"Well, I think you're the best author in the world and deserve a holiday and a big shiny crown!" Nasuada screamed in an insulting tone, and then started bowing down to the voice in the sky. She looked horrified with herself. "WHAT AM I DOING!?!? AH! I CAN NEVER LIVE WITH MYSELF! AIEEEEE!"

**"Oh, that's also me, making you do whatever I say. I wasn't kidding when I said I had universal powers."**

"That was in the prequel! I wasn't even created when you said that!"

** "Do I look like I care?"**

"How woyuld I know? I can't even swee you! … In fapct, no one in this accjursed sztory has ever seen you… wait, what? GRR!" Nasuada was screaming. She stamped her foot at her new speech impediment, but it appeared the author was thinking.

**"Fine. I'll come down. Just to prove that I don't care!"**

There was a flash of bright white light, and a hole appeared in the sky. A rainbow then arced from it, and a bright white figure ascended on the rainbow, which was making it rain chocolate and Butterfinger Sundaes from Friday's. As the figure neared the ground, the characters realized it was not one, but two figures. It was the author, riding on a pure white Unicorn.

The author, dressed in a simple white dress that seemed to glow, and the unicorn landed in front of the awestruck characters, looking haughty and emanating an otherworldly rainbow glow.

"You're shorter than I expected." said Nasuada pointedly.

**"AHRG! Sweet Mother of Mercy, when is the end of this chapter?"**

The characters stared. Angela snickered.

**"Shut up, Angela. Now, I'm leaving. Pirates of the Caribbean is on and I don't want to waste my time bickering with you stupid imaginary people!"**

The author snapped her fingers and all the characters turned into purple German pasta dishes call Spaitchel. She smiled, hopped back on her unicorn, and rode off to her television.

* * *

**If you were peceptive enough to pick up this little nugget: Elva is blind.** **Which makes the sunglasses gag even more funny, and funnier still come next Nasuada chapter.**


	11. Roran, Pokemon Master!

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 11: The Hilarity of Fillers**

* * *

The morning of Carvahall's venture across the Spine dawned bright and cold. A thick film of gray clouds draped over the sky as Roran and the other villagers wearily carried packs up the steep mountainside.

"I feel kind of bad for Quimbly." said Horst to Roran as they carried the last of the packs to the village's departure site.

"Why?" said Roran.

"Um, he got eaten…?"

"Óhyea! Yeah. Um, me too."

The two walked in awkward silence until they reached the departure point, where villagers were sitting in silence, waiting to depart. Horst and Roran put their packs down- Horst's a manly Spider-Man tote, Roran's a Barbie backpack- and asked the villagers who was left to come.

"Just that crazy old farmer who thinks he's a wizard," said Quimbly, "He's bringing his flock."

"Ok." said Horst, smiling. "Thanks, Quimbly." He turned around to look for the farmer.

Roran was still standing there, pointing from the brightly smiling Quimbly to Horst. "I…you…what……?"

Quimby put a hand on Roran's shoulder and smiled even bigger. "Don't worry, Roran," he said. "I'm all in your head."

Roran was not very convinced, so Quimbly steered the stuttering and confused farmhand over to Horst and then disintegrated in to dust. Roran decided to forget Quimbly and look for the farmer with Horst. Well, either he forgot by choice or he just forgot because his attention span was so small.

Just then, Horst pointed to the top of a pointed hat slowly ascending the steep countryside. Roran watched with growing excitement as the hat grew into a middle aged man in a long gray robe and a fake beard. He carried a long knotted stick with a shiny rock taped to the end, with which he was prodding a herd of ducks.

"Come on, you good for nuthin' cats! I ain't got all day!" He was yelling at the ducks, who quacked and went faster.

When they reached the top of the hill, the farmer got into a conversation with Horst.

"…ducks? DUCKS? We have to live in the Spine and all you bring are DUCKS?" Horst was shouting at the farmer.

"They're MAGICAL! And they aren't even ducks…"the farmer muttered something about 'ignorant humans'. "They're CATS, very intelligent. And I have a name, you know. It's-" But he was cut off.

"For the last time, your name is NOT Gandalf! It's Patrick! Get that through your head! And _cats_?" Horst trailed off into a lengthy argument with Patrick… or… Gandalf… or whoever the heck he thought he was. But anyway, while they were arguing, the ducks wandered away, over towards Roran, who was sitting and not thinking on the ground.

The ducks all started to encircle a surprised Roran, climbing on him, licking him, quacking happily. They bowed to him, quacking "QUAAAAAAAACK…QUAAAAAAAACK…" Over and over. People were starting to stare as Roran's duck shaped scar started to glow bright blue.

"I'm a Duck Rider!" screamed Roran, very excited. He looked around at the ducks. He pointed to the biggest one and said, "Bulbasaur, I choose you to be my noble and powerful duck steed!"

The duck looked quite grumpy as Roran carefully stretched out his shoulder to touch 'Bulbasaur'.

As soon as the blue scar touched the giant duck, it felt enlightened. She was no longer just a giant duck. She was an intelligent creature, who knew human speech and could use Instant Mind Messaging. She was…

"Bulba…sauuuur…" it said, and farted. It also changed shape. It was a Pokemon.

"YIPPIE!" Yelled Roran. "I'm gonna be a Pokemon Master! Now all you mere mortals have to let me be your leader and lead you and stuffs!"

"Dear Lord…" whispered Elain, putting her head in her hands.

_Greetings, master trainer Roran. I am Bulbasaur, an advanced animal life form native to an unmentioned place that seems to name every city ____ Town and every small landmass surrounded by water ____ Island. In my country, animals are cruelly captured and stuffed into small round spheres until we are forced to battle each other until one of us passes out. It was a terrible cycle of never ending enprisonment, fighting, and freaky hairstyles. What I found most horrible was that the humans who captured us had no idea that they were doing anything wrong- they just went about their lives treating us like weapons or common housepets or figurines to be collected, traded, or captured, uncaring to our protests and opinions. I thank you for bringing me to this enlightenment so that I may express the horrors of every Pokemon's lives, and so that we may strive for animal rights to every Pokemon in my unmentioned place, and take the steps towards happiness one at a time._

Bulbasaur turned to Gandalf/Patrick.

_I thank thee, great wizard of Alegaesia, for bringing me to this land and imbibing me and my fellow cats with magical properties. I could not have made it here without you._

Gandalf, who had been utterly dumbfounded when he saw that his spells had worked, smiled and folded his arms, turning to the equally dumbfounded Horst. "Well? I believe you owe me an apology. They ARE cats, ARE magical, and I AM a wizard." he said.

"Fine… you were right." said Horst under his breath. "Now get your ducks together and let's leave this forsaken village. Mr. Pokémon Master Wannabe, grab your Bulbasaur and get out of here."

_I have a name, grumpy human._

"Fine, grab Bulbasaur and GO! GO FOR THE LOVE OF SALAMI AND CHEESE, JUST GO!"

_Thank you. Come, Roran. Let's leave here._

Roran followed Bulbasaur as she waddled behind the villagers into the spine, occasionally poking the Pokémon.

* * *

**Now is the part of the story, where, if this was a movie, they would play some cool, instrumental, inspiring song and show a bunch of clips of all the hardships of the journey to Narda through the Spine, and how Bulbasaur grew a lot and turned into a white dragon, and how Roran used magic and ended up killing several villagers. But instead of taking up all that wasted time and space, the author is just gonna skip that part. You want it back? Too bad.**

**Maybe 'Keep Holdin On' would have been a good one.**

**Or the Ice Cream Man Song...**

* * *

_We did it, Bulbasaur. _Roran said as he finally emerged from the forest and gazed on the city in the valley by the sea. _We made it to Narda._

_You know, Roran, it seems that my past imprisonment has resurfaced in my name. All my life, I have been referred to as 'Bulbasaur', as has every member of my species. I want individuality, not the blunt generalization those humans gave me before. I need a name that is my own._

_That does sound reasonable… what do you have in mind?_

_I was playing with these: Marmalade, Honey, Barbeque, A1, Molasses, Jelly, Blankie, Sir Arnold Wrecking Ball McBippy Pants, George Lopez, Wheat Flakes, Froot Loops,Frosted Flakes, Alpha-Bits, Gary, and Bork._

There was a pause.

_Bulbasaur, those are terrible names._

_Howabout Pikachu? _

_No, not right._

_Raena?_

_Regal. I like it!_

And so Bulbasaur, the duck-turned-Pokémon-turned-dragon became the majestic Raena; a proud Pokémon rights activist with a habit of ranting a lot.

Gandalf was even more surprised at her evolution than I was.

* * *

**I just HAD to give Roran a dragon... It was the perfect set up!**

**DA DOO DA DOO DA DIDDILY DOO, DA DOO DA DOO DA DAAA DOOO, DA DOO DA DEE DOO...**


	12. Idocracy School

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 12: Idocracy School**

Once again, another perfect day began to unfold in Ellesmera. Sunlight shone in Eragon's face, pink birds twittered around him, and the gentle beat of Saphira's wings was like a lullaby as he flew over the forest. It would have lulled him to sleep.

If not for the fact that it was Eragon and Saphira's first day of school with the crazy Rider with multiple personalities and his Dragon-Mobile with a vocabulary of around 4 words. Run on sentence. Wow.

_Have you ever thought of going on a diet, fat one? _asked Saphira, straining under Eragon's gargantuan weight.

_Never crossed my mind. Besides, the nickname 'fat one' has kind of grown on me._

_Good geese…_

The pair flew in silence until they reached the cave carved into a mountain, where Oromis and Glaedr lived. The cave was warm and homey, a fire crackled in the far corner of the room and it smelled faintly of cinnamon. Neither Oromis nor Glaedr were anywhere in sight.

Eragon stepped onto the soft brown dirt floor and took a moment to look at his surroundings. He stopped at a beautiful painting of a city so realistic it could be a window and leaned closer to it to get a better look.

Just as Eragon's face was an inch from the painting, something jumped at him.

"IIIIIIIIIIIt's ERAGON! AAAND HIS LOOOOOOOOVELY DRAGON, SAPHIRAAAAAA!" Eragon jumped back from the painting in sheer terror, Saphira roaring.

Oromis laughed. He seemed to be inside the painting. "HA! Gets them every time… COME ON OUT GLAEDR!" he yelled, and, as if on cue, the golden dragon flew into the cave. "Everyone, meet my lovely assistant, Glaedr!"Oromis shouted. He bent close to Eragon's ear and whispered, "We'd have put him in a sparkly dress and heels, but we couldn't get one in size XXXXXXXXL! AHAHA!" Oromis laughed facedly at his own wit.

_Hey, _said Glaedr in a deep, dumb sounding voice.

Eragon stood up shakily, then quickly surveyed his surroundings again. "Hey," he said, pointing at the ceiling, "I thought you lived in a puny little ground hut! Hey, author, what gives?"

**"It's my story, I do what I want, K? This is how I always pictured Oromis' house. If you don't like it, then good. I don't care. Now learn, so I can go to BED!"**

"Sheesh…" said Eragon. He whispered to Oromis, "S o m e b o d y forgot to take her MEDS todaaay…"

**"I CAN HEAR YOU!"**

"Sorry!"

**"You'd better be… you know what, just for that, let's have some seizures going on here."**

"But-"

**"AEROBICS, NOW! AND DON'T YOU MAKE ME GO GET RICHARD SIMMONS, 'CAUSE I WILL AND IT WILL _NOT _BE PRETTY!"**

"Okay, Okay!" Eragon said.

He turned to Oromis, who was digging in a closet, giggling with uncontrollable happiness. "You are just going to _love _my aerobics class!" Oromis said, pulling out a gem encrusted pile of cloth. "I use a special program taught to the ancients of our race by Richard Simmons himself at the dawn of civilization. It's revolutionary!" he said, throwing his arms up and spreading the sparkly heap everywhere.

Eragon picked up a pair or short shorts. "Oh, **_#$&_** no." he said.

Ten minutes later, after much whining, Eragon trudged off to the bathroom with his arms full of clothing.

He looked in the mirror. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHH AHHH AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" he screamed. It was the first time he had seen himself in a mirror since he left Carvahall so long ago. Now his face was completely different, like an elf's. "I'm… ugly. Ugly just like the elves… ugly… ugly… uuuuuuuuglyyyyyy…" his words faded off into silence as he touched his new features.

Hs nose was huge, sticking out like a bird's. His eyes were slanted so much they were nearly vertical. His ears were so pointed that Eragon cut himself touching them. His lips were green, his skin was blue. His hair reached down to his waist and fell in knotted disarray. It had a purple tint to it.

"I'm a Smurf…" whimpered Eragon, and he dropped to a dead faint.

Eragon recovered soon after his fall and staggered to his feet. He glanced down at the bundled wad of clothes on the floor. Gingerly, he picked them up and held them, one at a time, at arm's length.

The shirt was not a shirt at all, but a neon, pink-purple leotard, covered all over with sparkles. The short shorts were white, edged with the same sparkly spandex of the leotard. The outfit was completed with a yellow, pink, and green striped headband, knee socks, and nurse shoes.

When Eragon was done throwing up, he reluctantly donned the tight and degrading clothing and walked out of the bathroom.

_Now _that's _degrading, _said Saphira.

Oromis was on the floor, stretching, wearing a similar aqua leotard. He stood up and sighed when he saw Eragon. "What took you so long? I've been stretching for ten minutes already!"

Eragon grumbled something about a 'diminishment of his portrayal as a hero' and walked over to Oromis in the center of the room, who was busying himself with a stereo. Eragon just caught a glimpse of the shiny CD before it retracted into the stereo: Richard Simmons stood next to the title _Sweatin' to the _Oldies, written in big, yellow letters.

_Oh my._

"Helloooooo, Eragon, and welcome to SWEATIN' TO THE OLDIES! With me, your host, OOOOOOOOOROMIS!" Oromis shouted in a creepy, peppy voice.

"Oh, no, not again..." moaned Eragon. 50's music blared from the stereo.

"And… jumping jacks! Jumping jacks! That's right, work it, work it!" yelled Oromis to a panting Eragon.

For the next hour, Eragon flexed his body into numerous embarrassing aerobics positions, Oromis encouraging him like a fat dog, Saphira often hurting herself from laughter. Just as Eragon and Oromis completed the always tricky Jumping Jackflip, pain erupted from Eragon's back.

He writhed on the floor and screamed for several hours, unaware of his surroundings. When the pain finally subsided, he finally woke up to see Oromis a few inches from his face, unblinking and eating a doughnut.

"AH!! What _heck _do you think you're doing?!?!?!?!?!?!?" He yelled, scrabbling backwards and pushing himself to a standing position with the wall.

"Shtudying." said Oromis, his mouth full of doughnut. He glanced down at his shoe and clapped a hand to his head. "Look at the time!" he said, pointing to his shoelace. "You need to be sitting and doing nothing! NOW!"

Oromis ushered Eragon out the door, and they both fell off the cliff. Brushing himself off, Oromis pointed to a nearby stump. "Sit there for three hours. I will be taking my beauty nap. These good looks don't just come naturally, you know." Oromis said, stroking his bald head as he walked away, leaving Eragon speechless.

"Well forget this," he said, and flew away.

Then he fell.

_You forgot your dragon, Mr. I Can Make a Dramatic Leave,_ laughed Saphira as she soared down from above.

_Shut up,_ Eragon said as he clambered on her back. _I'm tired and I want chocolate._

_We can ask the chef if he has enough sugar to keep you going for a few hours… I estimate you'll need at _least _5 tons of chocolate._

_Hey! ...Do you think it comes in bunny form?_

Saphira rolled her eyes as she landed at the base of their tree.

"Ok, I've gotta go find Arya and alienate her, Saphira. Bye bye!" Eragon said as he started to walk away, but Saphira grabbed him by the scruff of his neck with her teeth and lifted him to eye level.

_No. You will NOT. Not yet. She isn't supposed to hate you until chapter 37._

_She already hates me anyway, what's the dif if she hates me more now?_

**"You will not because I say you won't."**

"Oh, I am DONE."

**"Just ask her for a tour of the palace. I have…things… planned for you…"**

"Great, just great…" Eragon said, as Saphira released him and he vanished into the pink foliage.

_The traps are all set? _Saphira said to the author after Eragon was gone.

**"He'll never see it coming."**

* * *

**It is true. I have HUMUNGONORMOUS things plannned for next chapter, things that kept me up half the night last night begause i was laughing so hard at the ideas i had. So yeah.**

**I'm on vacation until God knows when, i think mebbe Monday, but I don't keep track of time in the Summertime anyway, so yeah. Thank me for updating today, because i can't bring my laptop to Wisconsin with me and i may be a bit before i update again. So yeah.**

* * *


	13. Commando Wookie XX9BLUU

**What Really Happened In Eldest?**

**Chapter 13: Pranks and Poo**

* * *

Eragon sighed as he looked up at the ornately designed palace in front of him. Finally, he was going to get a full tour from Arya and was extremely excited. So excited, in fact, that he promptly started running over towards the palace door, screaming, "AHHHHHHHHHRYA! I WANNA- AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Eragon could not finish his sentence because he smashed headlong into a tree. He stumbled away from the huge pink bark, dazed, only to trip over a cleverly placed lawn gnome, and fall flat on his face.

On a bee's nest.

While Eragon stumbled around, screaming in pain and breaking many valuable lawn ornaments, Arya bent down to a small flower in the garden where she was watching Eragon while he was distracted.

"Roger, Alpha Team, this is Feisty Female Romance Interest, reporting. The target is in the nest, I repeat, the target is in the nest, over." Arya said, bending low over the flower.

A reply came back to Arya like a walkie-talkie through the flower. "We copy you loud and clear, Feisty Female Romance Interest. Status report, this is Drama Queen, we are go for launch."

"This is Full Moon, go for launch,"

"Totally Insane Scientist, go for launch."

"Decrepit and Falling to Pieces, go for launch,"

_The Big Blue One and Cookie Monster, go for launch. _The familiar voice sounded in Arya's head, even over the flower-comm.

"'Cookie Monster?' I told you I wanted to be Commando Wookie XX9BLUU!" Said another voice.

_Well, I thought Cookie Monster suited you better, s_aid the snide voice of The Big Blue One.

"That's not funny! I am Commando Wookie XX9BLUU! Hear my fearless wear cry! RUAAAA-"

"Will you two shut up!?" Arya scream-whispered into the flower. "The target is right behind me!" She glanced over her shoulder at Eragon, who was now chasing a deer that had stolen his pants. The other people apologized and Arya decided to get on with the plan. She straightened up and brushed the dirt off herself before calling, "Eragon! Over here!"

Eragon barely heard her because he was now trying desperately to shimmy up a giant pink tree to avoid the angry horde of bunnies beneath him. He kept sliding down the trunk, and each time he did the bunnies ripped at Eragon's underwear with multiple rows of razor sharp teeth.

"Bad killer bunnies! Go eat some other unlucky soul!" Arya scolded the bunnies, who suddenly looked cute and cuddly as the hopped off. Eragon slid down the tree and stood up, leaning against the oak, grinning stupidly, trying and failing to impress Arya. "Hey, baby." He said. Arya was going to punch him, but looked down and saw he was standing there in his underwear and thought he had already been embarrassed enough. Eragon looked down to see that he was now wearing only a shirt and a pair of ragged underwear and turned bright red. "Don't look at me!" he screeched to Arya. She took out a camera and took is picture.

"Oh, nice! This is _so_ going on my Facebook!" she said. Eragon whimpered. Arya stowed away the camera and shook her head. "Nevermind. Anyway, go get your pants and come on your tour."

Eragon nodded as Arya turned towards the palace. He looked over at the frolicking deer with his pants draped over its antlers and grabbed them, but not before being rammed into the wall by the deer several times.

* * *

Arya was waiting for Eragon in the entrance hall for half an hour by the time the Rider stumbled in with his pants on backwards. "Finally!" Arya said, hastily stowing away the flower she had been arguing into. "Now we can begin. So, um, this is the hall," Arya said, vaguely spreading her arms out at the pretty room. "We, um, walk and… sit… here. So… yeah."

Arya walked forward into the hall a few paces, standing next to a large red 'X' on the floor. "Now if you'll just stand here on this X, Eragon, please…" Arya could barely control her laughter.

Eragon looked quite unfazed by the suspiciousness of the moment. "Ok!" he said cheerifully, and strutted over to stand on the red X. "Now what?" he asked.

Arya's back was turned to him, murmuring quietly into her flower. She hastily stowed it and turned sheepishly to Eragon. "Just… just wait there… and… any moment…. Any time now…" Arya's voice trailed off in a jubilant whisper.

For a moment there was complete silence. Then-

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Eragon screamed as suddenly the trapdoor beneath him was pulled open and he fell into a large cannon lodged beneath the ground. The platform beneath the ground rose to reveal Queen Islanzadi manning the cannon, a scared Eragon stuck and screaming inside.

"Nice work, Drama Queen." Arya said, smiling at her mother as she lit the match.

"Same to you, Feisty Female Romance Interest!" The cannon went off with a boom and Eragon was sent flying through the ceiling and out of sight. Arya shielded her eyes with her hand as she looked through the hole.

"Good shot, mommy!" she said.

"Why thank you, dear," Islanzadi said before falling flat on her face. Arya rolled her eyes. "C'mon, let's just get to the next checkpoint," she said, and left the building hurriedly, her stumbling mother in tow.

* * *

Eragon soared through the air at blinding speed, leaving a trail of pee behind him. He screamed for his mommy and started to cry wile screaming all the way; then he landed in a manure pit. Saphira and Blodhgarm stood next to the pit, laughing.

_You have a bit of stuff on your face, Eragon, _Saphira roared.

Eragon looked up. "Where?" he said, scrabbling at his face.

Blodhgarm laughed even harder at this. Eragon stopped scrabbling and looked up at him. "Who the heck are you?"

_Good question, fat one._

"**Blodhgarm! I told you, not until book three!"**

The furry blue elf stopped laughing and looked glum. "But… but I wanted to see Eragon in mortal agony!" he squealed. "Just wait one more second! Then I'll go, I promise!" Blodhgarm got on his knees and begged.

"***Sighs* Fine…"**

Blodhgarm wiped a tear of happiness off his face as he said the words of magic, facing Eragon. "_Wudo-poodo, squiggly quee! Habber jumjpop kinakie pantso undero!"_

There was a flash of light and Eragon was lifted into the air and thrown out of the muck pile, all clothes removed except for his ragged, yellow-gray underwear.

Just then, Arya and Islanzadi came sprinting over from the palace, wheezing and covered in several injuries in Islanzadi's case.

"Wha'd we miss?" Arya said to the author as her mother gasped for breath on the floor, nursing a few broken bones.

"**Nothing much, just Saphira's poop pile and Blodhgarm's nakie spell. You're just in time for the finale."**

"Oh, good!" Arya said.

"I've had enough of you people!" Eragon screamed, scrabbling to get up from the dirt. "I'm going back to my treehouse to sulk!" Eragon scrambled off, much to everyone's delight.

"Full Moon got all the townspeople ready? And Totally Insane Scientist got the spell all wrapped up?"

_Yup._

"Great. " Arya said. She pulled out her flower and spoke into it, "Full Moon and Totally Insane Scientist, this is Feisty Female Romance Interest. The target is heading home, I repeat the target is heading home."

* * *

Eragon ran and ran to the tree house at top speed, totally embarrassed to be in only his shedded underwear. To make matters worse, There were elves lined up along the path to his treehouse, laughing and pointing and making him even more embarrassed.

"Flurpie!" one elf called at him.

"What a nubby lunch monster!" Another said.

"Go, Diego, go go Diego, Go, Diego, GO!"

Wait, what? No, that was weird.

So anyway, Eragon kept running and running, at least thankful that there were clothes in his house and he would be free from the eyes of these very mean elves. But whenever Eragon saw he tree house in sight, he suddenly seemed to be back where he started again, forced to walk the same path over and over again in his underwear.

Then Saphira flew overhead and dropped an anvil on his head.

"OW!" _SAPHIRA! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!? _Eragon mind-yelled.

_No particular reason. Fillers? _Saphira suggested.

_Just get down here and fly me to the house._

_Fine, grumpy._

_I hate you all,_ Eragon 'Grumpy' Shadeslayer said as he mounted Saphira; he spotted Angela near them and Solembum speaking in the ancient language, removing the repeat spell.

Together Saphira and Eragon flew off and landed in their treehouse… or, rather, tiny hut.

Well, at least, Saphira landed.

Eragon fell.

* * *

**Wow. I really have no excuses for not updating in... nearly three months. This summer's been busy, I've had Art camps left and right, but computer broke down and all my files were erased, not to mention writer's block. If not for David, this chappie would not even be started yet. YAY DAYDAY!!!**


	14. The Joys of Maritual Issues

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

Chapter 14: Randomosity Rules!

* * *

"The boat's nearly ready, Roran, get your butt over here!" Horst called from the mast of the _Dragon Wing_.

"What?" Roran yelled from the docks, unable to hear Horst over the long distance between him and the roar of the flames behind him.

"I SAID, GET ON THE BOAT!"

"WHAT?"

"GET ON THE ^*%$&&#ING BOAT, YOU DEAF ()$*&$(ER!!!!!"

"THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE THING TO SAY TO SOMEONE!"

"IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING ON THE (^*%&$^ING BOAT?!?!?!?"

The roar of the flames screeched to a halt, the seas calming and yells of pain dying instantly. The world freezing, Roran looked confused. "You, know, I really don't know," he said.

"**Wait! Geez, can't I do anything without you guys taking off without me? You missed the entire part with Jeod!"**

Roran looked up at the author in the sky. "Oh. Right."

The author did a head slap. **"Okay, people, back it up! Back it up! Move it move it move it move it!" **The world suddenly started to move backwards, everyone who fell suddenly falling up, those who were running from armed soldiers suddenly doing the moon walk back to their dooms, those killed suddenly coming back to life, and everyone screaming in high, squeaky voices. Soon it was that afternoon, peaceful and quiet back in Jeod's living room.

* * *

Jeod put a hand behind his head and scratched his neck, a nervous habit of his. "Well, Roran, I really don't know how to tell you this, but…" Jeod sipped more of his tea, and drained the glass. "HELEN!!!!!!" he screamed, his face contorted with rage. "I'M OUT OF TEA!!!!!!!"

Jeod's wife appeared a moment later dressed in a maid's outfit, looking miserable and sour as if she hadn't slept since… well, never. Helen sighed and came to Jeod's side. "What is it, dear?" she said, wearily and sarcastically.

"I NEED MORE TEA!!!!!!" Jeod screamed.

"I can hear you! I'm right here!" Helen snpped.

Jeod blushed. "Oh. Right. More. Now." Helen sighed and took the teapot and hurried off to the kitchen.

"Now…" Jeod said, biting into a cookie. "Mpher 'err 'ee?"

Roran and Horst had been sitting in overstuffed armchairs in Jeod's living room for the past hour now, exchanging holy-fish-paste-he's-totally-insane looks with each other as Jeod and his wife got into a few 'lover's spats,' as Jeod called them. They were pretty violent for just a few spats, if you asked Roran, because he'd been wheeled to the hospital with several broken teeth after Helen chucked a teapot at his head to vent her anger. Roran had also been punched in the face as soon as Helen had opened the door for he and Horst had come to see Jeod. Helen mistook Roran for her husband, and the result was two spectacular black eyes.

Anyway, back to the important stuff.

"You were about to tell me something that was totally weird, Jeod," Roran answered from within the folds of the stuffing he was slowly suffocating inside of.

"Oh, right." Jeod said, putting down the cookie. "Well, your cousin, Eragon. You know, the one who's responsible for your father's death? Ran off with a crazy old man who claimed he was pregnant?"

"Um…yea." Roran said, pushing the creepy thoughts out of his mind.

"Welp, Eragon's Dragon Rider. He's run off to save the Analgesia and whatnot."

"IT'S ALAEGESIA, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!" Helen's voice sounded from the bowels of the kitchen. "HOW COULD YOU LIVE IN THE ONLY COUNTRY IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE AND NOT EVEN REMEMBER ITS NAME?"

Horst spoke up, giggling girlishly. "Well, she does have a point. How do you live in Alaegesia and not remember its name correctly? I mean, really!"

Jeod shook his head, waving off the questions. "That's not important right now. My point is, Eragon's a Dragon Rider. He's destined to save Aloogeisa!"

"OH, COME ON, YOU SENILE OLD BAT!"

"ZIP IT, HELEN!"

"Eragon's…a Dragon Rider?" Roran asked tentatively, his eyes wide but no visible expression on his face.

"Uh-huhhuh." Jeod said, sounding exactly like Elvis.

Roran started to laugh. He roared. He giggled. He belly laughed and chuckled. Roran was laughing out the wazoo. He laughed so hard he pushed his overstuffed chair backwards, falling and screaming like a little girl as stuffing flew everywhere.

"**Can we cut this short? I've already typed nearly 720 words on this one subject and you guys need to be approaching the Boar's Eye by the end of this chapter!"**

* * *

After several hours of whining and multiple spasms of violence (One including a diamond foot and a fractured skull), Everyone was back on the _Dragon Wing_, sailing towards Surda, Raena circling overhead.

* * *

_You know, I can't see why you were that surprised when Jeod told you about Eragon's dragon. I mean, shouldn't it be more believable now that you have a poke-dragon of your own?_ Raena asked Roran as they sailed on.

_I dunno, _Roran answered. _That's what happened in the book._

_Since when did anyone here ever listen to what Christopher Paolini tells them to do? He's still huddling in a corner, trying to come up for a release date for_ Eldunari.

_True. _There was silence for a while, until Roran said,_ You know, I still don't quite understand why you suddenly became a dragon in a bright flash of light in the middle of a battle with a rogue sheep._

_I evolved, Roran? Didn't I tell you that all Pokemon do that? We just randomly choose a time to change our body's structure instantaneously, which isn't even possible at all outside the world of anime. I'm a Charizard now!_

_Wait. You were a Bulbasaur before, and now you're a Charizard? Aren't you supposed to be a… whatever the evolved form of Bulbasaur is?_

_Nope._

_Oh._

* * *

Carvahall's voyage went remarkably well, for the most part. The only negative things were that the Red Boar was trailed by an entire fleet of Empire ships, teeming with soldiers, most of Carvahall got MASSIVE seasickness, the oarsmen got tired and started complaining in high, squeaky voices, they ran out of food halfway there and had to resort to cannibalism to stay alive, and were rapidly approaching the Boar's Eye. Okay, so maybe the voyage wasn't going as well as I wanted it to go.

"FIRE! FIRE ON DECK! GET THE BUCKETS! MOOOOOOO-"

"Shut up, Roran, its only fire! We can scoop it up in buckets and throw it overboard. See?" Horst grabbed Roran, who had been screaming nonsense and running around in circles for the past forty-five minutes, and stopped him to show the farmhand how to scoop the fire up and toss the bucket over the edge of the _Dragon Wing_.

Roran came to his senses, and immediately grabbed a bucket and climbed up to the highest mast on the ship. He unsheathed his sword and waved it in the air along with his bucket and shouted, "FOR KATRINAAAAAAAA!" as he severed a nearby rope and used it as a Tarzan vine to swing down onto the deck from hence he came and began to lift bucketfuls of fire. However, Roran looked like a fool as he pretended that the buckets weighed a tremendous amount and he was a big strong hero for saving everyone.

Horst put his face in his hands as the Boar's Eye came closer and closer, as did the Empire's fleet. Roran was now tap dancing on the top deck. "And we have _this guy_ as our leader? Good grief…"

* * *

**Cliffhangerz! Egadsies! Welp, i guess I'm making up for lost tim with two chapters in one night. See y'all soon!**


	15. Stupid Mistakes Cause Chain Reactions

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 15: Stupid Mistakes Cause Chain Reactions**

* * *

Eragon sighed as Saphira farted again, the latest in the steady stream of night gas his dragon suffered from. "Saphira!" he yelled, slapping her awake and coughing from the toxic butt fumes.

_What?_ She answered grumpily, stirring and whacking Eragon in the face with her tail because the tree house was so small.

_You're invading my personal space with your gas problems! Stop farting so much at night!_

_Well, you're one to talk, considering you suffer from Sleep-Panic Disorder, Sleep Arachnophobia, and Sleep Sheep phobia! I mean come on! Who counts sheep and then end up getting nightmares from it?_

_Sleep Sheep phobia is a liable condition affecting millions of people across Andalaesia-_

_Why is it that no one in ALAEGESIA can remember its name properly? How is it even POSSIBLE?_

_Sleep Spelling Disorder is a liable condition affe-_

_JUST HOW MANY SLEEP CONDITIONS DO YOU HAVE?_

_I dunno, a lot. Although you forgot Sleep Sanctiphobia, by the way._

'_Sleep Sanctiphobia?' You do realize that means a fear of safe places and holy things, moron? _Saphira laughed and shot flames out of her nostrils, causing the cramped space to ignite immediately. Eragon screeched shrilly and began to roll around on the floor.

_What are you DOING, idiot? _Safira asked, unaffected by the fire, being a model XXBluu395102K. She came with flame-resistant leather upholstery in an attractive shade of Sapphire Dream, all at

_NO _

_**EXTRA**_

_**COST!!!!!!!!!!**_

Never mind that. I was off-topic.

Anyway, Eragon was still rolling around on the floor. _I'm stop, drop and rolling! _He said.

_That's for if you're on fire, you nubby lunch monster! Do you see any flames burning holes in your body?_

Eragon stopped rolling. "Oh."

Safira laughed some more and then flew Eragon out of the burning tree. An angry elf mob was there at the scene. They were shouting and throwing things at Safira and Eragon as they landed in front of the burning tree. Orik ran up to them, covered in rotten tomato pulp. "Eragon! Saphira! These elves are REALLY mad at you guys for burning down that tree; they're going to start a riot soon!"

Indeed, more and more elves with picket signs and rotting fruit arrived at the second, tossing and shouting insults at the Dragon Rider and his companions. Eragon watched as the mob grew bigger and bigger, upgrading quickly to pitchforks and torches. Arya was at the front of the fray, screaming curse words at Eragon and hurling cantaloupes at thirty miles an hour at him.

"Tree killer!"

"Nature-Hater!"

"Doraa Esploraa!"

Orik pushed Eragon onto Saphira and climbed on after her. "Hurry! We have to get to Aberon to escape these goons! And to protect you from their mad abuse, may I interest you in the patented Varden Anti-Tomato Umbrella Shield? Or the patented Varden Anti-Abuse Earplugs? Or-"

"Orik, just shut up." Eragon said, and Safira took off toward Surda, shooting missiles at little elf fighter pilots that were tailing them. When the last of them exploded into dust, Saphira, Eragon and Orik were in for a peaceful ride over the Hadarac Desert.

"**Wait! I skipped something, didn't I?"**

"Uhm, yea. The Agaeti Bloodhren? Blood-Oath Celebration? Hello?" Eragon said, as the world froze and the Dragon Rider looked up to the sky, annoyed.

The author did a head slap. **"Okay. It's not too late; I can fix this."**

Suddenly, two women appeared, floating in midair and dressed in nothing but a cloak. "Hey!" one said. "Ugh, you wouldn't _believe _the plane ride here! Seventeen hours, plus security made us put on this dopey cape because apparently you can't go on an airplane with no clothes on. And we were sitting squashed in between two fat guys! One kept eating chicken wings the whole time, and the other guy fell asleep on us!" the other said, her evident sister finishing with, "_Total_ drag. Now, where were we, sis? Oh yeah!" The woman reached for the clasp on her cape, and, grasping it, she-

"AGH! MY EYES! I'VE GONE BLIND!" Eragon screamed.

_No you haven't you bumbling buffoon! I've only covered your eyes with my tail to keep you from seeing this._

_Why?_

_You're too young._

_But I'm a big boy! I wear pull-ups now!_

_It'll fry your naïve little eyeballs out._

_But I _like _my eyeballs remaining safely attached to my retina…_

_Shut it, stupid._

There was music playing, though Eragon couldn't see it, the dragon tattoo on the twin's bodies suddenly moved towards Eragon, and-

"YAAAAAAAAAHOOOHOOOHOOOEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Eragon screamed like a little girl and hopped up and down on the spot, writhing in pain worse than his seizures . Saphira removed her tail from Eragon's line of vision; the twins had vanished in a puff of noxious fumes as Saphira flew on.

Eragon felt his back. No scar, no pain. He looked like an even uglier elf now, so ugly that it was indescribable with words. It made Eragon pass out, Orik throw up, and Saphira fall from the sky with uncontrollable laughter.

* * *

Eragon finally woke up as the entourage was just approaching a cloud of noxious fumes.

_What is that, Saphira?_ He asked groggily, coughing as the dragon flew straight into the orange columns of gross, smoky gas.

_We've arrived at the Burning Plains_, Saphira said. _We'll arrive at the Varden campsite shortly._

_Why does it smell so bad? _Eragon asked, plugging his nose, feeling faint from the stench.

_When Galbatorix started to take over, one of the greatest battles of the war was fought on theses plains. The dragons farted into deep prairie dog holes in the ground, forever scorching the land with a stench that would last through the ages._

_Oh._

Eragon, Saphira, and Orik were close to nausea and passing out by the time they had cleared the Burning Plains and landed in the Varden Camp. They were-

One of the few…

The proud…

_The Marines._

They can understand what Shaun Paul is actually saying when he sings!

"Wait, what? Who keeps doing that? I'm not a Marine!" Eragon said.

"**Don't look at me, buddy, I don't have a clue. Nasuada!"**

"I'm not doing anything, author lady!" Nasuada said, who had come to greet Eragon accompanied by Angela, Solembum, Trianna, and Elva.

"**Well, everyone else is clean too, I just checked, so… there must be a glitch in the writing system!"**

Everyone gasped. MOOOOOOOOOOOO… quack.

"Not a glitch! This could get ugly…" said Angela, covering her mouth with her hands.

Everyone started to tap dance uncontrollably. Orik grabbed King Orrin by the legs and carried him over to a bonfire, followed by everyone else, who started chanting, "Burn! Burn!"

The angry mob tied King Orrin to a stick and began to slow roast him like rotisserie chicken. They made sure he was in the fluffiest, ugliest chicken suit they could find first and began to cheer as he screamed for his mommy.

"Your mommy's dead, Orrin. Get over it." Elva said.

The king began to cry like a little girl.

Meanwhile, the author was relentlessly tearing apart her computer, trying to find the source of the problem. Eragon was with her, digging in the central wiring with ink smudged all over his face. "Aug! Stupid scientology!"he yelled, throwing the laptop across the room. It fell through the sky and hurtled towards the bonfire, where it hit at tremendous speed and caused an explosion that could be seen for miles.

"**ERAGON…" **

"Erm…accident?" Eragon twiddled his thumbs as the author advanced menacingly. The author seized Eragon and threw him down from her bedroom and through the sky, right towards the bonfire.

Suddenly, the glitch was gone, exploded along with the computer. The random bonfire went out and everyone got a massive headaches. Eragon was left, however, in the middle of the atomic explosion, and his eyebrows were burnt off yet again.

"NO!" he cried, crawling out of the smoldering remains, a mushroom cloud overhead. "And I had my eyebrows at the perfect level of bushiness, too… then again, now I can actually see. Those black curly things obstructing most of my vision seemed to have been lifted in the explosion.

Arya did a head slap. "Those_ were_ your eyebrows, Eragon."

"Oh. Wait, Arya? You're here? YAYZ!" Eragon jumped over to Arya, seemingly healed of all injuries, and gave the elf a huge hug around the waist because he was so short.

Arya delivered a kick in a place better left not kicked, and left Eragon sprawling on the ground with a high, squeaky voice. "I _still_ hate you, Eragon. That was for the tree!" the elf stalked off, leaving Eragon in agony on the floor. It was pretty darn funny, if you ask me.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Empire camp a few miles away…

"Sir!" a scout said to his general, saluting and straight-backed "An atomic explosion has been spotted at the Varden camp! A mushroom cloud is hovering over the area as we speak!"

The general took his feet off the desk and stood up in a flash, suddenly his face an inch from the scout's "WHAT?!?!?" he yelled, spit flying into the scout's face.

"A mushroom cloud, sir! Over the Varden's camp!" the scout answered, grimacing at the spittle all over his head.

The general took his binoculars and stared out at the atomic explosion grimly. "What? Everyone knows a mushroom cloud signifies that they want to have a merciless war with us! Well, scout, send word to the Varden that they shall get their bloodthirsty wish! Leave no man alive! Tell someone to let King Galbatorix know that instead of the plan in which we all surrender and lay down our arms in the hope of peace and redemption, we must attack and leave none alive! Long live idocracy!"

With that, the sentry nodded and left swiftly to inform a horseman that it was time to attack.

* * *

Nice one, Eragon.


	16. Alaegesia's Sewers Explained

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

Chapter 16: Alaegesia's Sewers Explained

* * *

**Lordy, It's back. I'm back. And if you're reading this, that means you're back, too. We should have a welcome back party at some point.**

* * *

Roran began to beat his chest with his hands, yodeling.

_Wow, you're really getting into this Tarzan thing, aren't you? _Raena said as she flew from afar.

"WHY THANK YOU, RAENA!" Roran yelled at the top of his lungs, apparrently forgetting that he had the power of IMing to his dragon in the midst of his jungle man motif.

Horst's eye began to twitch. "RORAN!" he roared. "You forgot to mention that your _dragon _was tailing us the entire time? And that she could have easily, you know, _saved us_?"

Horst hit Roran upside the head. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Roran squealed in a whining, childish voice. _Raena, go eat the Empire for us, will you?_

Raena groaned. _Augh, you're such a weird child. _She flew off towards the Empire ship that was tailing the _Dragon Wing _and ate the ship whole.

_Okay, now what? You're still sailing straight at the Boar's Eye._

_Oh. Right._

Horst facepalmed for a few minutes while Roran climbed up to the mast to check out the situation. "Ew, look at that! It must be the nastiest raging whirlpool I've ever seen!" He yelled down to the crew. "The water's all brown and chunky, and there's all these pipes everywhere!"

**The Boar's Eye acts as a sewage system for the entirety of Alaegesia. What did you expect, sparkles?**

The entire crew grimaced and staggered as the smell hit them. Roran barfed over the edge of the mast. It hit Gandalf's head, who promptly began to run around in circles and scream at the top of his lungs that the 'Purple Nurbles' had found his secret stash and they'd come to gouge out his eyeballs as punishment. He jumped over the side of the bow within a few minutes and began to swim towards shore. However that was possible, with the whirlpool sucking everything towards it.

"What?" Said Roran, wiping puke from the edge of his mouth.

_You didn't know that?_ Asked Raena incredulously.

"Why do you think ships get sucked into that thing and the only bodies they find look like they'd been burned with acid?" yelled Horst from the deck. "Your cousin's crap is in that hole!"

"Oh my god, we can't go in there! Eragon's poopy is the worst!" Roran's eyes bulged and he fell off the mast. "Raena! Pick up the ship with your teeth and fly away! Kind of like a unicorn, but not really!"

_How the heck am I supposed to do that, you depraved boy? _

_JUST DO SOMETHING! DO YOU WANT ME TO GET SUCKED INTO THE POOPY HOLE?_

_. . . All right, but I can't garruntee anything. I've been feeling sort of strange latel-_

_I don't care about your feelings! Just SAVE US! _Roran yelled. He jumped into Horst's arms for safety.

"Get off of me, Duck Rider." Horst dropped Roran, who sqealed like a pig.

"Oww! You're mean! MOMMY! Oink!"

"Your mommy's dead, Roran, deal with it." Horst said. Roran began to cry.

The ship gave a huge jerk; Raena had lifted it up and out of the water. The villagers started cheering as the vessel flew slowly towards Surda.

Roran and Horst did a belly slam, resulting in Roran bouncing off of Horst's enormous gut and hurtling full speed at Gedric, whose face fell directly between Elain's breasts. She screamed in outrage and began to beat Gedric with a bludgeoning stick. Horst let out a girlish screech quite disproportionate to his size and aimed a left hook at Gedric's head. "Get off my wife, pervert!" Gedric ducked and Horst missed, accidentally punching Morn in the face. He crumpled to the ground with two enormous black eyes rapidly blooming on his face.

"You man-whore, you!" Tara yelled. "You beat up my hubby!"

She then proceeded to beat up Horst with her surprisingly muscular, um, muscles. By the end I looked as if several ribs were broken; his face was smashed in, and one ear was missing, torn off by Tara's teeth. Meanwhile, a massive fistfight had broken out on the deck for no apparren reason. The final ninja-kick sent him flying at Fisk, who was currently trying o keep himself from falling off the ship after being punched by his wife. He was a flurry of flailing limbs.

Horst soared directly beween Fisk's parted legs. The carpener howled at the top of his lungs in a squeaking voice and dropped over the edge of the boat, while Horst, injured badly, lay bleeding heavily on the ground.

Most of the villagers had stopped fighing to watch Horst get beaten up by a woman much older than him and were currently laughing their pants off.

Roran was rolling around on the floor.

_Whoo! Raena, that was HI-LARIOUS! Horst got beat up by a crotchety old lady-!_

"I heard that!" Yelled Tara murderously.

Roran blinked. _How . . . anyway, did you see that?_

_Roran . . . I don't think I can . . . Uh-oh._

_Raena? What's Uh-oh? . . . Did you eat some more of those possum-on-a-stick things I tried out in Terim, because they give you _massive _gas – I know from expierience!_

Raena answered; instead the ship gave a wobbling jerk. The villagers screamed.

"Help!" Elain screeched.

"We're all gonna die!" Shouted Quibly.

"Where's Larry when you need him?" said a man.

"Yeah, he'd always have a great idea!"

"Larry would save us!"

"LARRY! IF YOU CAN HEAR US, RESCUE US!"

The entire village dropped to their knees and began to yell for Larry. The boat dropped towards the ground.

Roran clung to the edge of the boat, a large yellow puddle forming around him. Suddenly he caught sight of something strange just over the side of the boat: a terrified-looking Bulbasaur, falling alongside the _Dragon Wing._

_What the – Raena?_

_Apparrently it's Bulbasaur again, _Answered the Pokemon. _But does that really matter? GET ME ON THE SHIP!  
_

Roran reached out and grabbed his Bulbasaur, just as they were nearing land.

Wait.

Land?

_Raena – er, Bulbasaur, just how far did we fly?_

It was cold all the way at the top of his stinking tower, high above the Varden camp. George sighed. Ooh, how he hated his watchman job. I mean, sieriously. The smell from the Burning Plains carried in the wind, it was always freezing, and the first person to get hit by a ranged attack by the Empire would always be him. And did he even have a weapon? Noo. Not since that incedent with the pool noodle and Angela's secret supply of morphine . . .

Anyway.

George stood at his post, slumped against the rail, really bored. Nothing ever happened up here. (Maybe it was because he didn't do his job?)

However, today was different. At first there was just a weird noise, kind of like wings, but faint. Then there was this little black blotch in the sky, but George didn't think much of it.

But a few minutes later, George looked up at the sky and frowned. He grabbed his binoculars, which shortly fell from his hands. He grabbed his Pooh Bear walkie talkie, wired directly to Nasuada, and spoke panickedly into it.

"Milady, It's watchman George! I – I don't belive what I'm seeing, but there's . . . there's a boat approaching camp! And it's falling from the sky! I – whoa - !"

A moment later a huge crash could be heard.

* * *

**Yaaaaaaay! It's uuuup!**

**There's more to come soon, so hopefully everyone will read and review once again!**


	17. Basically a Rainbow Cotton Swab

**What Really Happened in Eldest?**

**Chapter 17: Basically A Rainbow Cotton Swab**

* * *

"Eragon, get your lazy bum out here!" Arya called. She sighed and rester her head in her hands. Everyone else had been outfitted with their armor and given their weapons already; they'd been done an hour ago.

"But . . . Angela, I'm having some second thoughts about this design . . . " Came Eragon's wary voice from inside the tent.

"Oh, shut up!" Said Angela encouragingly, also from inside. "I was a high-end fashion designer back in Terim, I know what looks good and what dosen't!"

"Weren't you were a herbalist-witch-person-thing?"

"That was _after _my boutique was burnt to the ground by a mob of angry customers, silly!"

"Oh . . . right . . . "

Saphira snorted.

"Shut up!"

Arya rolled her eyes. "Would you just get out here already? We have some zombie-patootie to kick out here!"

The loud clanging of Angela pushing Eragon outside of the tent could be heard. He finally just gave up and walked out into the open shamefully.

A passing dwarf glanced at Eragon and fell over dead.

"OH MY GREAT GODS OF ALAEGESIA, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT _THING_?" Arya screamed and fell off the stump.

"It's not that bad . . ." Whined Angela, but Arya was already beginning to go into shock.

_I thought elves didn't have a religion._ Said Eragon.

_Apparrently this armor's so ugly it's forced Arya to seek out comfort from a force she knows isn't there. She also swore in a K+ fanfic. Must be pretty bad._

_Again, shutting up would be nice right now._

Angela sat down and began to cry because nobody liked her clothing design. More people began to drop dead as soon as the walked by and saw Eragon.

"ERAGON! What the heck are you trying to do, demolish my whole army?"

Nasuada screamed as she approached, blindfolded, trying to locate Eragon so as to slap him without actually looking at him. She groped around for a few minutes, then walked into a tree and fell over.

"Milady! Not to worry, Milady, I'm coming for you!" Trianna attempted to locate her mistress with a blindfold on. She found the body of a dead dwarf on the ground and proceeded to cry over his carcass. "Oh, great leader of the Varden! Who has done this to you? Ooh, I bet it was Eragon, he's always responsible for this stuff! Have no fear, for I shall punish he who hath felled you!" She put her head down on 'Nasuada's' chest and frowned. "My, Milady, you need to shave! . . . and since when were you three foot two?"

Trianna seemed to get back with the program and started groping around for Eragon, in the hopes of beating him up in revenge for 'killing' 'Nasuada.'

* * *

Meanwhile, our wonderfully pessimistic lookout George the watchman was walking to his post for the day when an unusual sight caught his eye. This is what he saw.

A young woman in hideous bangled clothing was throwing a full on temper tantrum, wailing at the top of her lungs and rolling around in the dirt and banging her fists on the ground.

A woman whom he recognized as the leader of the Varden walked headlong into a tree.

A young lady in a sorcress' uniform was crawling around on the dirt, blindfolded. She found the feebly jerking and loudly screeching form of another elven woman and proceeded to shriek loudly and begin attempting to punch the elf several times ( she missed a bit, because, you know, blindfolded. ) screaming, "YOU'VE ***** KILLED HER, ERAGON, YOU **** ***** **** ******** ****!" The elf screeched even louder and she and the maid started to roll around on the ground in a pretty dirty fistfight. Lots of biting, hair-pulling, and makeup-smearing.

And in the center of it all, a young battle hero wearing the most hideous armor anyone could ever imaging stood attempting to eradicate his head from inside the maw of a large blue dragon, whom had bit down on his helmet in an effort to get the disgusting thing off of him.

All around him, people were dropping dead.

George blinked, rubbed his eyes, sighed and walked away, muttering something about the side affects of his allergy medicine.

* * *

Several bruises, tantrums, broken bones, dead bodies, pieces of shrapnel, an innumerable amount of asprin doses and one large dragon with a very bad case of indigestion later, Eragon found himself stuck in his armor and awaiting the arrival of Galbatorix's army with the rest of the Varden.

"They're approaching over the Burning Plains, Milady." Said a messenger to Nasuada, whose unfocused eyes had trouble finding the man.

"Oh . . . wonderful . . ." she said dreamily. A maid held an ice pack to a large bruise on her head.

"Well, Saphira's got a badly scarred throat from swallowing Eragon's ugly armor, some of our best fighters are dead or gravely mentally injured, and our leader is completely nuts." Said King Orrin with a sigh. "And the battle hasn't even started yet."

_Well this is going nicely . . . _Saphira's voice was coarse and raspy.

"But we can't let this stop us! The army is getting closer and we have to fight them!" Hrothgar said, waving his small plastic Barbie Battle Axe.

"Well, I suppose he's right . . ." Said Arya wearily, dabing medicine on her facial wounds and glaring at Trianna.

_But if we lose, I suggest we blame Eragon._

Eragon groaned in protest. "Me? Why me?"

"Whatever, Eragon." Arya said as she picked up her sword and the troupe began to leave the tent. "It's not like your incredible stupidity wouldn't get us all killed anyway."

_She has a point._

_Shut up._

* * *

Eragon, decked out in newer, much more sleek and fashionable armor, was making poses in front of a mirror like a large hunky battle hero.

"Stop posing for your imaginary fangirls, fatty, and pay attention to the enemy." Arya said. The sound of laughing filled the air. "We'll be riding out now."

_You should probably go and scout it out with me first to see what we're up against_ Saphira offered.

Eragon continued to blow kisses at his reflection. Arya hit him.

"OWWW!" Eragon started to whine and cry.

"Eragon, pull yourself together!" Shouted Hrothgar from his perch in his Polly Pocket Glamgirl Centurion Chariot. "Come. We're charging."

The Varden's army gave a great roar and ran at the opposing forces in the distance. Eragon mountes Saphira and they looked over the battlefield.

_Eurgh . . . what are THOSE? _Saphira looked at Galbatorix's army and wrinkled her nose.

_I . . . augh . . . I can't . . . _Eragon's eyes began to melt from looking at the laughing soldiers.

_Eragon! Don't look! It's too cute for the naked eye!_

There was no real word to describe the soldier below; perhaps if there were it might have been somewhere along the lines of sickeningly adorable, or torturously pretty. Eragon absolutely loved all things pink and sparkly, but this . . . _this_ was an abomination.

Many of the horrid creatures below were not human; some might have once been human but had been so badly mutated into some shiny, fluffy creatures that they could no longer be considered so. Killer unicorns and ninja fairies fought alongside live rainbow puffballs the same size and weight as wrecking balls, rolling along and crushing all in their path. Mermaids and princesses and even killer flowers charged at the varden in a cloud of sparkles and pastel smoke.

_We can't take these! We'll be crushed by their deadly cuteness! _Eragon stammered.

_Quiet, fat one. That big puffy thing kind of looks like a chew toy . . ._ Saphira dove and Eragon startd screaming with crazed fright. He pulled his sword out to possibly stab Saphira if she did anything crazy and the wind blew his arm up over his head. Suddenly they were on top of the rainbow fluffball. Its fur was as hard as steel, but Saphira managed to set one on fire after a few minutes of frantic tearing. Without hesitation they moved onto the next target.

"They're too adorable!" Shouted a Varden soilder before he was vaporized into a cloud of sparkles.

"We can't fight their cuteness!"

"AUUGH! MY EYES!"

Neraby, King Hrothgar seemed to be the only one making some success with his pink plastic battle axe. "You have to kill them with something cute!" He shouted, decapitating a unicorn. "Pink, sparkly, anything!"

Eragon picked up a flower fallen from the wings of a pixie and started to beat a princess with it.

The Varden and the laughing army of adorability tore ferociously at each other. The battle was in full swing. It wasn't even interrupted when a large boat fell from the sky and smashed directly into the Varden camp.

* * *

**This chapter is crap. Trust me, I realize this. It's a bit too sierious but I really am having some trouble with the battle scenes and making them funny. Luckily, I'm planning some nice, laughable stuff in the next chapter, which will, thank goodness, be much better.**


	18. On The Subject of Abandonment

**What Really Happened In Eldest?**

**Chapter 18: On the Subject of Abandonment**

* * *

It is night. A cold gust of wind stirs the leaves of a large oak tree.

Silence.

Eragon Shadeslayer watches the peace from within his quiet home. He sits by the fire, smoking a pipe contentedly. A monocle rests over his eye, and a top hat covers his head.

_I daresay old chap,_ he mentally communicates to the dragon at his side. _What a positively pastoral pastime. _

_Indeed! _Replies Saphira. She adjusts her bowtie and sweater-vest, breathing more flames into the fire. _It could not be more dulcet._

_Truly. _

Eragon strokes his ten-foot beard ( trimmed to topiary-like perfection, naturally ) contemplatively. There is companionable quiet between them for a time.

_Saphira._ He says, at long last.

_Eragon? _She responds.

_Do you ever miss it?_

She frowns, tilting her head to the side. _You'll have to elaborate a smidge more, good friend. _

_The story we were once a part of. With magic and fighting and badly timed slapstick humor. Do you remember it? _

_I do. _She says. Saphira takes a long, steadying breath. _I am not sure how I feel about it. I suppose I enjoyed it at the time . . . but that was a long while ago. We were not as civilized then as we are now._

Eragon laughs. _No, _he says. _I don't believe we were._

They are silent once more. Then Saphira speaks again.

_I take it you recall how it came to an end._

_Mm. _Eragon bites down on the end of his pipe. A host of memories rush back to him. Saphira perks up, noticing his heightened distress.

_Even now, _she says quietly. _It still upsets you._

It is a while before Eragon answers. _That was a black day for us._

_Aye. _Saphira shifts her gaze to the Oriental rug beneath her. I_ will understand if you wish not to speak of it._

_No, _Eragon says. _I was once the hero of Alagaesia. No mere memory can harm me._

Saphira looks at him. She does not answer. As if to prove himself, Eragon continues on.

_It was the midst of battle, yes? When it happened, I mean. When she left us._

Saphira is silent. Eragon does not stop.

_I remember the feeling quite well . . . felling another one of those fluffy abominations with each swing of my fuchsia war-axe. The battle high was like no other. She ended it there, of course, in the middle of the fight, and so she left me sitting on edge, waiting for the time when I would finally be allowed to kill once more. But she had been lazy in the past . . . preoccupied, she said, with more important matters. And so we waited in vain for a day that did not come when she promised, a day that _still,_ even now, has not become a reality. _

Eragon shifts his position in the chintz armchair upon which he rests, and when Saphira catches sight of him, there is something strange and wild in his eyes. She is afraid.

_I don't think that feeling ever left me, Saphira. _He says. _That bloodlust. It's dulled somewhat, of course, over the years . . . but it's still here. Beating within me. Ready to emerge once more, to crush every last man, woman, and child that stands in my way –_

_Eragon!_

He is on his feet. Distracted, he looks at Saphira as if he had only just realized she was there. In response to the concern that is emanating from her, his breathing slows. He sits.

_I know what it's like. _Saphira says. _We all do; we were all abandoned! I was with you though the cold and the dark and the suffering. Those nights were long and fearsome, but look how far we've come since then. Look at what we've made for ourselves, without her help. _She pauses, and then continues in a softer tone, one so unlike her fierce, brutish personality. _It's been over a year since she last uploaded a chapter._ She says._ Perhaps it's best if we forget the past._

Eragon tosses his pipe into the fire in disgust. His monocle reflects the flames as they flare up, roasting the wood into a pile of cinders. _I am weak. _He says.

_Nonsense. _Saphira responds. _Only a beast could go through what you have and feel nothing._

Eragon takes his time. Then, finally he nods. _To forget the past . . . it will be difficult._

_You are more than capable._

_I hope you are right._

Eragon relaxes back into his armchair. Saphira gazes at him for a while, attempting to read his expression, and then settles down on the floor beside him once more.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence . . .

**I'm BAAAAAACK!**

* * *

"ARE YOU #%!&$ KIDDING ME!"

**Now, now, everyone . . . calm down . . . !**

A crowd of angry characters surrounded the large swirling cloud vortex in the sky, which represented the author. Some carried torches, pitchforks, and in one man's case, a large inflatable pool shark. They were, to say the least, extremely pissed off.

"How could you just _leave _us like that?"

"For a YEAR! A whole YEAR!"

"Psch, It's been longer than that! I've had seven children since you last bothered to write a new chapter!"

"Uh, No, Bob, it's definitely been a year."

" . . . Okay, whose kids are these?"

"I AM JUST REALLY SUPER ANGRY RIGHT NOW. LIKE SWEET JESUS ON A BICYCLE. I CAN'T STAND IT."

"It's okay, Joe, calm down – "

"I - WANT – TO – SMASH – THINGS – "

"OH MY GOD JOE STOP THAT'S MY FACE - "

**I know you're all upset! **The author called over all the chaos. **And I'm sure you all some incredibly nasty things to say to me. I deserve them. I accept that. But I'm here to tell you that I don't care, at all, whatsoever.**

"Butt – butt – butt butt butt –"

**No butts. And stop spelling it like that, that's disgusting.**

"Butt – "

**GO.**

There was no convincing her otherwise; The author withdrew into the sky to watch from afar. Try as they might, the characters could do nothing to get her to answer their hate mail, and so, grumbling all the way, they gradually left the crowd and resumed their places for the next chapter.

As they went their separate ways, Arya detached herself from the crowd. "Eragon!" She cried.

He turned, and immediately his face split into a wide smile. "Arya! What've you been doing with yourself for the past year? Sure it was something amazing and fun and cool and enjoyable."

"Prostitution, actually. Recession makes for hard times."

"Really? So if I were to surreptitiously hand you this twenty dollar bill – "

Arya responded with a crushing blow to the ribs, which sent him flying into the air.

"Well, the slapstick humor is definitely back . . . " Eragon groaned.

"Up and Adam, Eragon!" Roran said cheerfully. He offered his cousin a helping hand. "We've got a battle to resume!"

"Eurgh . . . thanks . . . " Eragon grunted as he pulled himself up off the ground. Then his eyes bulged. "Roran?"

"Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"Um, positive."

"Really?"

" . . . I think."

"It really is you!" Eragon leapt into Roran's arms wedding-style, and delivered a crushing hug that knocked the air out of his cousin's lungs.

"How could you tell . . . ?" Roran gasped.

"A mother always knows!" Eragon replied.

"Er . . . "

"When did you get here?" Eragon's face shone like a child's on Christmas.

"Well, over a year ago, if you're going by real time. But within the story, ten minutes ago. Didn't you notice the gigantic ship that fell from the sky?"

"Meh."

"Well, that was me."

"Oh."

At this point Roran attempted to put Eragon down, but his cousin still grinned and held fast.

"Hey, uh, would you mind letting go? My wittle armsies is hurting me."

Eragon blinked once and, still smiling, let out a loud, guttural yell.

"Eragon – Eragon, what are you – "

Eragon continued to shriek like some sort of strange jungle man, completely oblivious to the stares coming from every direction, and Roran's desperate attempts to quiet him.

"Stop – people are looking, Eragon, shut up – Eragon, I'm going to fall over – _for Pete's sake shut up – _agh, don't you need to breathe or something -"

_I've got him._ Saphira said. She bent down, clamped her jaw shut over Eragon's head, and pulled as hard as she could.

Eragon's yell did not diminish in volume, even from deep within Saphira's maw.

"RORAN! SAPHIRA! WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON HERE?" Nasuada stormed over, irate.

_Um. I may have just decapitated our Dragon Rider._

**That's it. Everyone, in your places in ten seconds, or I'm force-feeding you haggis.**

"By the gods! Not again! Everyone, run!"

There was a large commotion as the Varden prepared themselves for battle at breakneck pace. Nine and seven-eighths seconds later, with everyone suited up and ready to go, they sprinted onto the battlefield just in time. The

**Okay, got your weapons, ladies and gents? Everyone in character? On your marks . . . get set . . . underpants!**

One soldier burst into action, yelling with bloodlust – but no one else moved. Confused, he stopped and looked around at his companions, still frozen in their last positions.

Lightning flashed; thunder boomed. The soldier cowered in fear.

**I didn't say go!**

"But – "

**No! You've lost your chance.**

The soldier lowered his head in shame, and walked off the battlefield.

**Now. The rest of you . . . GO!**

Instantaneously, the battle recommenced. Everything was a blur of rainbows and sparkles – for only the most sickeningly adorable weapons could slay the monstrosities that battled the Varden. Fluffy, cute, and available in every shade of the rainbow, Galbatorix's unnatural minions fought our heroes with as much strength and ferocity as one might expect from something as shiny and smiling-y as these things were.

"The – cuteness!" One soldier yelled, violently pink blood coating his armor. "It's – it's too much!"

"You know the man you truly are, Billy! This heart is where you live, THIS HEART - "

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M FINE JUST STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND GET FIGHTING!" Hrothgar yelled. "HONEST TO GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE EITHER OF YOU, SITTING AROUND AND CHATTING WHILE YOU SHOULD BE – " A bolt of lightning suddenly arched from the sky, striking Hrothgar and knocking him to the ground. " . . . watching your back." He finished, and then he turned into a fish.

A dead fish.

With a moustache.

"NUUUUUUU!"

All of the dwarves immediately dropped everything and fled to the side of their dead king.

_What are you idiots doing! _Saphira yelled, as she set fire to a flock of killer sheep with a wave of pink flames. _The man just died telling you to keep your guard up, and as an ode to his memory, you immediately disregard the battle happening RIGHT FREAKING NOW?_

"Yes!" Cried Orik. Tears were streaming down his face. "Of course! Oh, GODS, WHY? . . . Somebody get me a box of Patented Varden Extra Super Soft Quilted Heavy Duty Tear-Mopping Assistance Devices!"

"One truckload of tissues, coming up!" Said a soldier, who dropped his sword and shield and began to skip away.

"No, no, it has to be a box of Patented Varden Extra Super Soft – "

"SHUT YOUR PIE HOLES AND LOOK AT THE SKY!" Nasuada yelled.

There, flying above the battlefield, was an enormous red dragon. And, seated on its back, laughing manically, foam dribbling from his mouth and bolts of lightning arching from his hands was –

"Murtagh." Spat Eragon. He removed his glimmering rainbow weapon from the skull of a dead mermaid and bared his teeth in anger. "Let's get him, Saphira." She let loose a ground-quaking roar and bent down to allow Eragon to mound her, but Roran suddenly stood in his way.

"I got this one, cuz." He said. The camera zoomed in on his eyes ( we have a camera? ), which narrowed as he put on his best sexy-epic-action-hero-face. "I'm a Pokemon Master."

* * *

**Yep. So it's been a while. Reading Inheritance got me in the mood for this story - which I readily admit I am no longer constantly hyper enough to write as well as I would like to. With any luck I'll finish this one. Can't say anything about Brisingr, going by the fact that I can hardly remember what happens ( Bur since when have plot discrepancies ever stopped me? ), but we'll see. Maybe I'll get a few chapters in before I get bored again. I guess it depends on how many people are actually still following this story after all this time ( TOTALLY not begging for reviews here, I'm much too proud for that, no . . . just asking nicely is all. )**


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